If You Get That Plastic Surgery, This Is What You'll Look Like At 85

Take a long, hard look at that before getting that facelift

Meet Maria del Rosario Cayetana Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Francisca Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva. She's the Duchess of Alba, which is in Spain or somewhere, like, mediterranean. She's 85 years young, baby. It is currently unknown how many plastic surgeries she's had in her life, but it is certainly at least one. So before you deaden half your face muscles with botox again, remember that some things are worse than having wrinkles, America. Oh, by the way that dude with her is her fiance. For real. His name is Alfonso and he is definitely not after her estimated 5 billion (with a b, as in "bitch, that's a thousand millions!") dollar fortune. Honestly, though, could you have sex with her, even if it was for 5 billion dollars? Chicks do it all the time, amirite? I gotta hand it to you, though, Alfonso for leaping on that grenade night after night, all for a chance at 5 billion dollars. It's like some horrible game show, where the other contestants are her 6 kids and all they have to do is look at her, and probably then only at Christmas and on Mother's Day, and they are probably just as much in the running as he is, and they had a long head start at being fawning and obsequious. But at least he has an outside shot. Anyways, botox will fuck you up, so stay away from that shit.

Reinstate Slavery 2012!

La Puta Loca

Sorry to be so political lately, but it's an election cycle, and that's where most of the rage and lulz are going to be centered right now, and will be for some time. Today's political lulz come via Michelle Bachmann. No, it's not her gay husband, that's soooo late June, people. This time it's her awesome Newsweek cover as seen above coupled with this interesting info from a story about her by Ryan Lizza, Senior Editor at the New Republic :

[Bachmann's recommended historian] J Steven Wilkins has combined a Christian conservatism with neo-confederate views and developed what is known as the theological war thesis. This is an idea that says the best way to understand the Civil War is to see it in religious terms, and [that] the South was an Orthodox Christian nation attacked by the godless North and that what was really lost after the Civil War was one of the pinnacles of Christian society. This insane view of the Civil War has been successfully injected into some of the Christian home-schooling movement curriculums with the help of [Wilkins]. My guess is this is how [Bachmann] encountered the guy at some point. ... She recommended this book on her website for a number of years. It is an objectively pro-slavery book and one of the most startling things I learned about her in this piece.

Could this information hurt her chances with black voters? Will Herman Cain bitchslap her at the next debate? Will she ever take a picture where she doesn't look like the World's Craziest Bitch? Looking like she does, if you told me she bit the heads off of babies while frolicking in the moonlight, I'd believe you. Not that she wouldn't make a terrific president, of course.

Facepocalypse Now: Anonymous To Destroy Facebook On November Fifth

Breaking news, America! Anonymous has declared it's intent to destroy Facebook, which is a target that I can finally get behind. Yeah, it's cool to knock down the CIA and FBI's websites and shit, but no one fucking goes to those, unless they're like a six-grader writing a report or something. Now, Facebook... that's an act of such epic trollery that it would deservedly go down in history. If you have to ask 'Why November Fifth?" please exit my website now and never return. Or at least go read some Alan Moore before you come back.



Anyways, SICK! I fucking hate Facebook, as anyone who knows me will attest. I quit it almost a year ago now and it was the best decision I have ever made, period. You know you will quit sooner or later, so you might as well just do it now so you can be like me, a smug hater that is going to laugh his ass off come Guy Fawkes' Day.

Suck My Hairy Balls, You GOP Teaparty Assholes

Just wanted to give a shout out to my homies in the GOP, and most particularly the Tea Baggers, for fucking up the economy even worse with your retarded, made-up "crisis" over the debt ceiling. An issue that has been rubber stamped by congress 41 times in the last 30 years is now suddenly yet another cannonball with which you will try to sink the Obama presidency. That's terrific, really. Here, after all that bullshit, is what you got us.

• A downgraded credit rating. You know what's so great about that? Now we have to pay more for the money that we borrow. So those 400 billion dollars in spending cuts that you insisted be a part of the debt ceiling deal? Gone. We just cut medicaid and federal student loans so we can turn around and pay it as interest to foreign countries. Seriously.
• The stock market is imploding. I'm sure this hurts you people a lot worse than it does me, so that's actually pretty fucking sweet. Still, I have to live in this society, and what's bad for a lot of us or most of us is probably bad for all of us.
• The dollar is getting pooned overseas. This also raises the cost of borrowing foreign money. See point A above.
• Now, foreigners are saying we've lost our superpower status. We're basically Russia circa 1992, according to this guy. Or Canada at any time in history. I assume we will break up into tiny, fractious, quarrelsome republics any time now.Granted, it's an Arab News OpEd, but still.

So, like I said, way to go, guys! You went to congress all hot and bothered to "shake things up" and "change the way they do things in Washington". Well you did it. You changed things by making them completely and irretrievably disfunctional and now everybody gets to help pay for it. Why don't you try to spend some time learning about American government before you run for congress next time. Take a fuckin' civics class.

Mike Huckabee Fixes American History

At last. I've often said to myself  "Self, wouldn't it be great if there was a Mike Huckabee Interwebs Video explaining all important American historical events using time travelling cartoon characters?". Well, I got my wish, America. Get a load of this:



This is just a preview, because you have to pay like fifteen bucks for each actual episode, because, you know, Huckabee isn't a communist or something. Here's a few more I was able to dig up sans currency changing hands.






It sort of looks like South Park if it were animated by someone using a Commodore. I love the last one especially, where Mike reaches out to feminists with a "Girl Power!" shout out and the time travellin' kids wind up at Pearl Harbor and do the patriotic thing by not warning anybody. I'll be keepin my eye out for more of these, believe you me.

Your Gay Face

World's Coolest Mayor

So the mayor of some place called Vilnius will run your Mercedes the fuck over with a Soviet-era APC if you park in his bicycle lane. He makes Rudy Guiliani look like a total pussy. I'm moving to Vilnius. Where is that? Vermont? Alaska?

Seriously, Don't Tempt Them

Only In America

Check out the end of a Judge Judy from last week, America. We are the only nation on Earth capable of being this odd on television.



*UPDATE* Ok, the japanese can get pretty weird too...



Now he will never be ronery again!

JetBlue Gets Punked

Internet pranksters Corporate Twits, who thankfully have nothing better to do all day than fuck with the army of interns that run retarded corporate twitter feeds, have struck again, 9/11 style. Lulz.

*UPDATE* Some more examples of their fine work...

Paul Kagame is the dictator of Rwanda. Nice.

So, basically, yeah, we do

Since its AT&T, I'm surprised any of the calls even got through