So My Sister Asked Me To Look At Her Computer Because It Wasn't Working Right...

Just Sayin'




       Now it all makes sense...

Merry Christmas Redux

     Remember this from 2007? Still the king of kings of all Xmas youtubes

Merry Christmas

    This is me doing some last minute Xmas shopping...

New Rick Perry Ad

Day Job Orchestra > Bad Lip Reading

North Korea News Update

The Hobbit Will Be Sick

I'm gonna be pissed if the world ends in 2012 and I don't get to see this next December...

Totally Fake But You Gotta Love It

North Korea Is Just Beside Itself

Soooo, Kim Jong Il, erstwhile leader of the NPRK, has died of 'fatigue'. He will be best remembered for his small role in this movie...



     ... and for being the greatest golfer the world has ever seen:

An avid golfer, Kim reportedly picked up a golf club in 1994 and shot a 38-under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course -- including no fewer than 11 holes in one. This would have put the increasingly frail Kim head and shoulders above the world's best, if the state media reports about Kim's game were to be believed.

Here's What Happens If You Bet AGAINST The Broncos

You have to get a tattoo like this guy.

    Soooo, Tim Tebow... What's he done that's so great? Just this:

Seriously, at this point Tim Tebow has morphed from human debate topic to full-blown football wizard, able to conjure some sort of voodoo magic only when it is needed most. Let’s take a look at Denver’s last seven games, shall we?

• Oct. 23 at Miami: Brought on in relief, Tebow is 4-of-14 for 40 yards — and Miami fans are mockingly chanting his name — when he engineers the first comeback from a 15-point deficit in the final three minutes of a game since the 1970 merger. On drives of 80 and 56 yards, he accounts for all but four yards. Denver recovers a fumble in overtime and wins 18-15.

• Oct. 30 at Detroit: Tebow is awful, is mocked by two different Lions during the game — one, linebacker Stephen Tulloch, adopts Tebow’s signature prayer pose after a sack. As Detroit is now a burgeoning cinematic villain (see below), this will serve as the part of the movie where he is humbled.

• Nov. 6 at Oakland: Running a version of the option, Denver rushes for 298 yards, while Tebow throws for just 124 yards but also two touchdowns.

• Nov. 13 at Kansas City: Tebow completes just two of eight passes, but one of them is a 56-yard touchdown with 6:44 left that provides the margin of victory in a 17-10 win. He runs for Denver’s other touchdown.

• Nov. 17 vs. N.Y. Jets: Tebow is 6-for-15 for 69 yards when he gets the ball with 5:54 left. He leads a 96-yard drive that lasts nearly five minutes, capped by a 20-yard Tebow run with 58 seconds left. Denver wins 17-13. Tebow accounts for all but three yards on the drive. Tebow! Tebow!

• Nov. 27 at San Diego: Tebow goes 9-for-18 for 143 yards, and after San Diego’s Nick Novak missed a 53-yarder in overtime, Willis McGahee busts out for a 24-yard run, and the Broncos win on a field goal of their own.

• Dec. 4 at Minnesota: Tebow throws for a career-best 202 yards, actually, but Denver is down 29-21 with 9:41 left. In the last 3:06 Tebow leads a 60-yard drive, and Minnesota’s quarterback throws an interception that gets returned to the Vikings 15. Denver wins 35-32 on a field goal as time expires. Five straight victories. Tebow.

      Seriously, if he sucks so much, why can't anybody stop him? See you in the playoffs, faggots.

Bet On The Broncos

  

       Holy shit! Denver is only paying out at 30 to 1 to win the Superbowl. Thats down from 200 to 1 (!) three weeks ago. They're still gettin gypped (gipped? jipped? idk), though, because this puts them on par with the Jets or the Raiders, both teams we have beaten recently. They are really a 20 or 15 to 1 at this point, and therefore a bargain bet. Btw, odds for defensive rookie of the year award for Von Miller are at 11/2, best in class.

Wu Tang Clan Ain't Nothin' To Fuck With

See Ya, Fuckhead

Serious Fucking Business

Apparently, Herman Cain's Tastes Run White, Dumpy, And Middle Aged

     Meet Ginger White, Herman Cain's girlfriend of thirteen years...



Yikes!!!!1111

    I thought CEOs went out with, like, Victoria's Secret supermodels and shit. This is not the case.



Singin' With Cleverbot

Happy Sunday

...And Then There Was Chaos

    The Eurozone is well and truly fucked. Check this shit out, from Daily Beast:

German Bond Sale Called ‘Disastrous’


Economists worried Wednesday that a “disastrous” German bond sale could mean that country would be the next to tumble in the euro-zone debt crisis. The implications of a threat to the German economy—the euro zone’s largest—have many wondering if the euro zone in its current form could survive the mushrooming debt crisis. “It is a complete and utter disaster,” said economist Marc Ostwald. The German treasury could only sell about two thirds of the $8.1 billion in 10-year bonds, and the new bond promised to pay out a 2 percent interest rate—the lowest ever on an issue of 10-year German bonds. Wall Street closed down before the Thanksgiving holiday on not only the news out of Germany, but also that Belgium is leaning heavily on France to pay off its debts and worries over Chinese factories.

    GERMANY? Oh, man. That's not Greece or Portugal. Thats the world's fourth largest economy and by far the biggest one in Europe. They are the ones underwriting everyone else's mountainous bailouts.What happens if the Eurozone is rent asunder by their inability to not fuck things up? Don't worry, I googled it. First check this out, it's a graph of budget surplus/shortfall over the last decade...

Nice one, Ireland

   Now look at this graph from 2010, which basically shows that they just borrowed the difference form surplus to shortfall from the public sector...

     Not a pretty picture. I'm still convinced that the U.S. will handle it's debt load one way or another, if for no other reason than that our GDP is three times the size of the entire Eurozone's put together and we can still afford it. But it's a cautionary tale, nonetheless, and it will probabaly spell the end of the Europen Union. And what happens if the Union dissolves? From the looks of it, not much. Most countries will be better off, it seems. I guess we'll wait and see.

I Find This Somewhat Difficult To Masturbate To

Watch as a japanese robot gives birth to a japanese robot. I find the moaning particularly moving.

Bill O'Reilly Looks Like Emperor Palpatine Now

"Feeeeellll  the hatred coming from within you, Luke"

  
     Oh, and also, the Ford Theatre won't carry his book in their bookstore because it is completely filled with nothing but total bullshit. From Salon:

A reviewer for the official National Park Service bookstore at Ford’s Theatre has recommended that Bill O’Reilly’s bestselling new book about the Lincoln assassination not be sold at the historic site “because of the lack of documentation and the factual errors within the publication.”

Rae Emerson, deputy superintendent at Ford’s Theatre, which is a national historic site under the jurisdiction of the National Park Service, has penned a scathing appraisal of O’Reilly’s “Killing Lincoln: The Shocking Assassination that Changed America Forever.” In Emerson’s official review, which I’ve pasted below, she spends four pages correcting passages from O’Reilly’s book before recommending that it not be offered for sale at Ford’s Theatre because it is not up to quality standards.

The corrections list seriously goes on forever. That's why I pasted the link. The TL;DR? Bill O'Reilly is a semiliterate fucktard.

This Fuckin' Guy Wants To Be President

Whatever You Do, Don't Protest High College Costs

     Why did these cops just start randomly beating the piss out of these students who were peacefully protesting rising college tuitions at Cal-Berkeley? (Berkley?Berkelly?Whatever). Doesn't look good...

I'm Baaaaaack

12 Years Of Karate Finally Pays Off

The New Avengers Trailer

Just came out today...




     Looks pretty fucking awesome, amirite? Unfortunately, it's not out until May, but it's directed by Josh Wheeden of Firefly fame. Dope.

Some Useful Facts

Lair Of The Kraken Discovered. Seriously.

 

   Fuck yeah! The Kraken was real. Check this shit out:

A giant sea monster, the likes of the mythological kraken, may have swum Earth's ancient oceans, snagging what was thought to be the sea's top predators — school bus-size ichthyosaurs with fearsome teeth.

The kraken, which would've been nearly 100 feet (30 meters) long, or twice the size of the colossal squid, Mesonychoteuthis, likely drowned or broke the necks of the ichthyosaurs before dragging the corpses to its lair, akin to an octopus's midden, according to study researcher Mark McMenamin, a paleontologist at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts.

Evidence for the kraken and its gruesome attacks comes from markings on the bones of the remains of nine 45-foot (14 meter) ichthyosaurs of the species Shonisaurus popularis, which lived during the Triassic, a period that lasted from 248 million to 206 million years ago. The beasts were the Triassic version of today's predatory giant squid-eating sperm whales.

     Ok, now it gets downright weird...

"I was aware that anytime there is controversy about depth, there is probably something interesting going on," McMenamin said. And when he and his daughter arrived at the park, they were struck by the remains' strangeness, particularly "a very odd configuration of bones."

A giant sea monster, the likes of the mythological kraken, may have taken out ichthyosaurs the size of school buses, arranging their vertebrae in curious linear patterns with nearly geometric patterns.

The etching on the bones suggested the shonisaurs were not all killed and buried at the same time, he said. It also looked like the bones had been purposefully rearranged, likely carried to the "kraken's lair" after they had been killed. A similar behavior has been seen in modern octopus.

   
     So the Kraken liked to decorate. Maybe Paula Dean is a fuckin' Kraken. Ever think of that?

Ron Paul OBVIOUSLY Cheated

     Are you one of those people that thinks Ron Paul might be getting the shaft in the newsmedia and from other Republicans (I am one of those, although I disagree with at least half the batshit stuff he says, I think we should be fair)? Check this out, from CBS news:

Rep. Ron Paul scored a decisive victory Saturday in a mock presidential election at the Values Voter Summit, trouncing fellow Texan, Gov. Rick Perry, but an organizer of the straw poll suggested ballot-stuffing may have skewed the results.

In a press conference following the announcement of the straw poll results at the annual Washington gathering of social conservatives, Family Research Council President Tony Perkins all but dismissed the results as irrelevant, citing 600 people who registered Saturday morning and, he said, "left after Ron Paul spoke."

A total of 1,983 ballots were cast. "You do the math," Perkins said.

A year ago in the same contest, Paul came in second-to-last. Speaking briefly with reporters before the straw poll results were announced, the Republican lawmaker said, "If I win, it wouldn't be as important to the media than if I lose."

     I love how that Perkins guy gets all catty at the end with that "you do the math" shit. Dude, if Republicans could do fucking math, then supply-side economics would not exist.

Another Facebook-Inspired Beatdown

  
      Facebook user Benito Apolinar, who hails from the great state of Texas, had posted a loving status update to his Facebook page on the anniversary of his mother's death. Then he waited for the "likes" to roll in. You know how that is: One finds a strange sense of fulfillment in the totally meaningless clicks of approval from friends and acquaintances and friends of acquaintances' friends.
     Well, the "like" from Dolores Apolinar, Benito's wife, never came. That led to a confrontation. ("Your passive-aggressive withholding of a Facebook 'like' is the social media equivalent of urinating on my dear mother's grave, you heinous and unfeeling whore!" he did not for sure say, but hopefully did.)
     Whatever words were exchanged, it quickly escalated into a physical altercation, during which Benito "hit" Dolores and "pulled her hair," according to the criminal complaint. Now he's facing battery charges.
     The moral of this story, America? Get off Facebook today, before some lunatic rips your hair out for not 'liking' the picture he put up of his grandma.

Here's Some Katt Williams To Make Your Monday Better

Oh yeah, it's Thursday. Here's Katt on parenting...



And on marijuana...

Operation Destroy Facebook A Resounding Success!

    Welllllll, sort of. We didn't actually destroy Facebook, but some epic trolling was had. Check it out...

Best Video Game Trailer Evar Evar

Think About It

Destroy Facebook Now!!!

     Another weapon has materialized in my ongoing war against Facebook (a war I happen to be losing, but will fight on regardless). But now you can help. Here's how:

1. Upload the above image
2. Insert it as your profile pic
3. Anarchy!!!

      Protip: As of this writing, there is no facebook gold account. There is still only the regular old crap account. Hence the ensuing anarchy, as everyone (women) will demand that facebook upgrade them to "gold", when there in fact is no such thing. That's when I move in with my DDOS attacks and my pizza deliveries.

This Week In Politics...

     Sarah Palin follows Glenn Beck's lead and teaches a seminar in Iowa this week...

     Obama gets Bel-Aired...

      And Newt Gingrich's wife scares the living shit out of everybody...

    What a week it was. I can't take the pressure of American politics anymore. I'm moving to Lego Nazi Germany.

Happy Sunday

      This is your thought of the day for Sunday.

Nikolai Tesla Called It In 1932

   

Just Needs Music

Timelapse from the ISS. Fucking cool.

Many Goats Will Go Embezzled

It sounds like Bob Dylan after too many electroshock treatments. Awesome.

Disturbing New InternetPhenomenon - Slowed Down Olsen Twins

I always thought they were a little wierd. Slowing them down just proves it.

It Says "I Love Tofu", Pervert

   

The Death Star

The right side is a picture of the same event as the left side, just awesomer

     What a great title for an article, huh? I thought so, too. As you know I try my damndest to keep you abreast of all the scientifical datas and the astronomical anomalies, America, and I know you are going to like this one. From some nerds at NASA:

A nearby star is drubbing its close-orbiting planet with a barrage of X-rays 100,000 times more powerful than what the Earth receives from the sun, a new study has found.

That intense, high-energy radiation is blasting about 5 million tons of matter from the gigantic planet into space every second, researchers said. They made the observations using NASA's Chandra X-Ray Observatory and the European Southern Observatory's Very Large Telescope in Chile.

"This planet is being absolutely fried by its star," said study lead author Sebastian Schroeter, of the University of Hamburg in Germany, in a statement. "What may be even stranger is that this planet may be affecting the behavior of the star that is blasting it."

 The star, which is located about 880 light-years from Earth, is known as Corot-2a. Optical and X-ray data suggest that Corot-2a is between 100 million and 300 million years old, meaning it's fully formed, researchers said. The star's one known planet, called Corot-2b, was discovered in 2008 by the French Space Agency's Convection, Rotation and planetary Transits (Corot) satellite. Corot-2b is about three times as massive as Jupiter, and it orbits very close to its parent star — just 3 percent of the Earth-sun distance (which is 93 million miles).

So if you agree with Michelle Bachmann and you think that God is trying to get our attention via natural disasters (remember her hurricane comments?), well, I mean, get a load of this shit. What if we pass national gay marriage and the Sun just totally obliterates us with x-ray beams? Now we know that it could happen. We had better elect her President just to be on the safe side.

Defection! Republican Staffer Quits, Unveils What Is Already Obvious To Everyone

From the Daily Beast: 

GOP Defector Spills the Beans


Sep 5, 2011 2:51 PM EDT Mike Lofgren loyally served the GOP on Capitol Hill for 28 years. But no longer. Michael Tomasky on what the defection of a Republican staffer tells us about the state of the party.

     

     Many people are buzzing about an article at truthout.org by one Mike Lofgren, a longtime Republican staff aide on Capitol Hill who just couldn’t take the crazy anymore, left his job, and produced this buzzy (and quite well-written) lamentation about his party’s tactics and goals. If you haven’t read it, you must. There was nothing in there that surprised me. I’ve been saying all these things for a long time (as have many others). What continues to dumbfound me is why Lofgren’s assertions are even controversial, because as long as they remain so, “neutral” observers who deny this reality bear some responsibility for the sad shape our politics is in.
     I should say before we get to the gravamen of Lofgren’s case that there is something in pieces like this that is a little bit too convenient for my side: a Republican with three decades of service to his party writes a scabrous attack on them, and it’s eloquent to boot! It makes me proceed with a little caution. On the other hand, James Fallows wrote over the weekend that while Lofgren was unknown to most of us, “among people who have covered or worked in the national-security field, he is a familiar and highly esteemed figure.” Jim being one of the very top journalists in the country, that’s a pretty valuable testimonial that eases the mind somewhat.
      The Lofgren piece is full of harsh observations and accusations, but here’s just a little sampling:

• The debt-ceiling debate was an act of “political terrorism,” in which the GOP concocted a crisis and used it to ensure that the party's unprecedented demands were met. He writes: “Everyone knows that in a hostage situation, the reckless and amoral actor has the negotiating upper hand over the cautious and responsible actor because the latter is actually concerned about the life of the hostage, while the former does not care.”

• The August FAA reauthorization fight was another instance such of hostage-taking: “Republicans were willing to lay off 4,000 Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) employees, 70,000 private construction workers, and let FAA safety inspectors work without pay, in fact, forcing them to pay for their own work-related travel—how prudent is that?—in order to strong arm some union-busting provisions into the FAA reauthorization.”

• The GOP plan to discredit government in the people’s eyes is very conscious: “A couple of years ago, a Republican committee staff director told me candidly (and proudly) what the method was to all this obstruction and disruption. Should Republicans succeed in obstructing the Senate from doing its job, it would further lower Congress's generic favorability rating among the American people. By sabotaging the reputation of an institution of government, the party that is programmatically against government would come out the relative winner.”

• As for belief as opposed to tactics, the party basically really cares only about the rich. Actually, Lofgren doesn’t say “basically.” He says “solely and exclusively.” And he explains how they’ve camouflaged this with talk of protecting small businesses and so on.
     There is much, much more. He’s not very happy either about his party’s militarism, its cynical use of religion, its total opposition to doing anything about the environment, and other matters, but most especially its neo-Leninist posture in which political power trumps everything.
     When Lofgren first started working on the Hill, in 1983, the House and Senate were still full of moderate Republicans—and even Reagan himself was a quisling by today’s standards.
       Some with short memories may ask, how could such a person have been a Republican anyway? Answer: there used to be loads of Republicans like Lofgren. George H.W. Bush and his EPA secretary, William Reilly, put the first serious cap-and-trade proposals on the table. When Lofgren first started working on the Hill, in 1983, we were into the Reagan Revolution, granted, but the House and Senate were still full of moderate Republicans, and even Reagan himself, as has often been observed, was a quisling by today’s standards. And if you want to go back to Lofgren’s youth ... well, Google Thomas Kuchel or Charles Percy.
     I spend a part of virtually every day wondering where all this will lead. Will this fever break in two years? Five? Ten? What if it doesn’t break until, oh, 2028? Or never? The goals of today’s conservative movement are, shall we say, audacious. No public old-age pensions. No public old-age medical coverage. Taxes far, far lower than they are now, especially on that blessed and praiseworthy top 1 percent. Regulations gutted to the point of nonexistence. All achieved through the kind of political-terrorism tactics Lofgren describes. It’s going to take them time to accomplish these things. Our system moves slowly, even for Leninists. But there is no reason to think they won’t keep at it for many years to come.
      Every time I hear NPR (that allegedly socialistic outfit) describe the latest act of terrorism in neutral terms, the reporter taking care to blame “both sides,” interviewing an expert who is prudent enough to know that on NPR’s 501(c)(3) air she must, if she wants to be quoted again someday, hold responsible the mysterious and mostly unnamable failings of the amorphous “system” for this or that Republican hostage-taking exercise, I wonder if these people hear themselves and understand how they’re misleading America. NPR is better than most places, so surely they must, just as many elected Republicans must just as surely be a little ashamed of how they’re acting in public. What can change it? Only a crisis (I mean an actual one) so deep and threatening that even NPR must call things what they are, and even some Republicans must say, “OK, there is such a thing as collective action, and we’d better undertake it.” Until then? More Lofgrens.

Fuck to the Yeah. TL;DR? Republicans are political terrorists that only give a shit about rich people. I've only been saying this for like twenty years, America.

Remember Remember The Eleventh Of September

As Of Right Now, We Most Likely Win

      Why is it we worry so much? Is there some sort of cathartic value to embracing our worst fears, but then have everything turn out just fine? Althought the map for some reason has a key that is hard to read, it's the same old electoral college map (updated by the 2010 census), that we are all so used to. And guess what it tells us? The Republicans are a lock in 24 states, the Democrats in 20. This gives the Dems a lead of 246 electoral votes to the Republicans 200 with 6 states as tossups (our very own Colorado among them) and 270 votes needed to win. Bear in mind that Obama won all of these swing states in the last election, and only needs one big one. He wins Florida, it's over. He wins Ohio and Virginia both, it's over. Etc. So please stop freaking out, America. It is extrememly unlikely (barring extraordinary events) that you will have a president that doesn't believe in evolution next fall.

The Next Internet Superstar

His name is Nathan J Barnatt. And that's Martin Starr from Freaks and Geeks introducing him. Remember, you saw it here first. Well, probably.

Some Dude Ragequits Some Reality Show

Watch 'til the end, when he goes all Donkey Kong...

Meet Teh Tea Party

  Here's a little piece from The Economist about our friends, the teabaggers:

RESEARCHERS at Yale University have been tracking  American opinion on climate change for some years now and showing how it differs according to political allegiance. It has not previously looked at the opinions of respondents who identify with the Tea Party. Tea Partiers, unsurprisingly, tend not to believe in the phenomenon (the 53% who don't believe in global warming just outnumber the 52% who don't believe humans evolved from other animals) and are the most strongly opposed to all sorts of government action on the issue (yet quite keen, like majorities in all sorts of polling, on research into new energy sources). They also distinguish themselves in their assessment of their knowledgeability, with 30% considering themselves very well informed on the issue and a majority happy that it needs no more information on the subject. Where this certainty comes from the poll does not really reveal; when asked about possible sources of information on the subject, from television weathermen to scientists to the government, Tea Partiers were much more likely to react with strong distrust than any other group. However, they were not asked about blogs, and it is interesting that they were far more likely to say they knew about "Climategate", a massive release of e-mails by climate scientists that has been a staple of the blogosphere, than any other group.

TL;DR? Basically, the Tea Party represents a populace with a willfull ignorance of all scientific data which does not agree with their religious worldview. All we can really do now is hope that they're mostly old.

Hot Lesbo Action Coming To NBC This Fall

     To whom it may concern: The rainbow network has decided to air a hilarious new sitcom this fall called "My Best Friend is a Lesbo". At least the title is hilarious, anyways. So does this mean it's okay to use the term "lesbo" now? I thought it was some kind of slur. Ohhhhh, I bet it's one of those things that they can say but we can't, kind of like how you shouldn't use the n-word unless you want to get beaten up by twenty n-worders.

Also, Casey Anthony is still a lot on my mind...

Doesn't This Seem Like A Lot Of Hurrricanes?

Hurricane Katia, who has a sexy name

     So that's Katia, headed straight for the atlantic coast of Florida. Still pissed about that Casey Anthony verdict aren't you, God? Actually, they're hoping it will lose hurricane status before it hits the east coast, but at the moment it's a Cat 3 beast with 120 mph winds. So stop acquiting child murderers, FLA! We all want to get back to normal around here, and your Casey Anthony Acquital-Induced Summer Of Disasters Everywhere has seemed to happen to everyone but you. So watch the fuck out.

*UPDATE*
     So it seems that God's Wrath (as manifested by the tropical cyclones that we call hurricanes) has in fact increased greatly over the last 100 or so years. Some nerds did some research and this is what they found out :

The analysis identifies three periods since 1900 during which the average number of hurricanes and tropical storms increased dramatically and then remained elevated. The first period, between 1900 and 1930, saw an average of six Atlantic tropical cyclones of which four were hurricanes and two were tropical storms. From 1930 to 1940, the annual average increased to 10, consisting of five hurricanes and five tropical storms. In the final study period, from 1995 to 2005, the average reached 15, of which eight were hurricanes and seven were tropical storms.

    This correlates directly in a hundred year rise in sinfulness. And a 1.3 degree rise in global temperature. It really could be either thing thats causing all this, or maybe both together, and I am just an amateur climatheologian after all.

Planking Is Sooooo Eight Weeks Ago

It's time to start batmanning. The bar has been raised, gentlemen.

Spidermeme

This is an uber-popular meme based on still frame shots from a 70's spiderman cartoon that some of us are unfortuantely old enough to remember. It comes from Tumblr. It can get pretty funny.

The Downfall Meme

Downfall meme, also known as “Hitler Finds Out…” or “Hitler Reacts To…” is a series of parody-subtitled videos based on a pinnacle scene from Der Untergang (2004), a German WWII drama revisiting the last ten days of Adolf Hitler’s life and eventual suicide in his Berlin underground bunker. Due to the film’s international success and Bruno Ganz’ haunting portrayal of the Nazi dictator, numerous segments from the movie soon fell fodder to hilarious parodies on YouTube, spawning hundreds of anachronistically subtitled videos of Hitler getting upset over topical events and trivial gossips.


It's been around since 2007 or so, and at one point Constantin Films, the owner of the footage, tried to sue to stop it's use. However, they failed. A couple of examples:

Hitler reacts to the real estate crisis...



Hitler reacts to the song 'Friday'...



Hitler reacts to the ipad...

Play This On Your Computer As You Leave Work Tomorrow

It will entertain the cleaning crew all evening.

Look Familiar?

Hurricane Irene

     Wow, I'm going to look like a major dick if this thing kills like a hundred thousand people, amirite? Still, it really does look like Katrina, size-wise and all. Prolly nothing will happen, but watching New Yorkers FUCKING FREAK OUT over the last couple of days has been pretty entertaining. Way to legalize gay marriage. Lol jk.

There's Still A MySpace?

Grafitti never lies

     Soooo, you prolly heard that social networking 1.0 dinosaur mySpace is in pretty bad shape with only 35 million users left (that's a 50 percent loss since January). Thats compared to 500 million on Facebook. I had to laugh, though, because I couldn't believe that there's 35 million people that are still blinging out their mySpace pages. Lol. I guess Justin Timberlake is involved in some capacity now (hopefully not a financial one) and they're trying to turn things around. From Gawker:

 For all the talk about Justin Timberlake taking over MySpace, it turns out that the real decision maker at the recently sold social network is a former Pepsi executive named Al Dejewski. And Dejewski's is proposing some tough love: detox, shape up, and focus on selling music, for bros. Oh, God, whatever, dad. "We may have lost some traction to people like Facebook," with its 500 million users, the suit says. Ya think?

"We need to get it on P90X," Dejewski said of MySpace to AdAge. "Clean its system and get back to its foundation. And we've found that foundation is music." Apparently MySpace has deals with the four major music labels, hired not one but two (!) branding agencies, brought on some marketing types from Proctor & Gamble and CBS, is serious about turning things around, this time it's going to be different, yadda yadda whatever.

     Whatever P90X is (it sounds cool, like some sort of secret government formulated retrovirus that makes everyone into cannabalistic mySpace-loving futuremutants), they're going to need a fuck of a lot more than that and some "system cleaning" (lololololol) to get everybody back onto mySpace. Unless they have a time portal back to 2005, when mySpace was the only game in town, then I kind of doubt it. While we're at it, lets all get back on AOL. "You've got mail!". Ha. Remember that? They made a movie about it.

10 Protips To Get You Started

So what is a meme for, anyways, you ask? What do they do, what is their function, their raison d'etre if you will? Memes are shortcuts for comment boxes. Rather than type 'You are Stupid' in a comment box, it's much faster/easier/funnier to just insert a 'Derp!' meme photo. Isn't this just lazy trolling, you ask. No! It is efficient trolling, allowing you to troll over 9000 times as many crappy comments per hour. These will help get you going...

1. FAIL - The original classic. Still used even though it has become an IRL catchphrase. Gets your point across in a way that no one can miss.

2. COOL STORY BRO - You can use this one on just about anything that involves a lame personal anecdote, which most comment boxes are rife with.

3. I ACCIDENTALLY... This one is for pointing out funny mistakes when foreigners mangle teh English

The post that started it all

4. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG - For use anytime someone could be doing something better.

5. THE INTERNETS ARE SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS - For when people are taking things just a little too seriously, like threatening lolsuits and FBI raids and whatnot.

6. FGSFDS - pronounced "fiddis figgis", it is used when someone is speaking total gibberish

7. TL;DR - "too long, didn't read", for those whose postings have become verbose to the point of obtusity.

8. DIVIDE BY ZERO - For when anybody claims that something impossible happened, or when someone is using fuzzy or incorrect math.

9. YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID - Perfect for those ridiculous leaps of 'logick' that commenters are so well known for.

10. OWNED or PWNED - Another interwebs slang term that wormed it's way into real life. Still very useful for when someone has had the better gotten of them.

Well, there you are, some basic tools to get you, America, out there trolling people's stupid, asinine, butthurt, predictable and inane comments. It's your civic duty. Go start some shit.

*UPDATE*
Or of course, you can always go with the nuclear option. This picture is usable in any comment section anywhere, and results in total devastastion whenever used: