There's Still A MySpace?

Grafitti never lies

     Soooo, you prolly heard that social networking 1.0 dinosaur mySpace is in pretty bad shape with only 35 million users left (that's a 50 percent loss since January). Thats compared to 500 million on Facebook. I had to laugh, though, because I couldn't believe that there's 35 million people that are still blinging out their mySpace pages. Lol. I guess Justin Timberlake is involved in some capacity now (hopefully not a financial one) and they're trying to turn things around. From Gawker:

 For all the talk about Justin Timberlake taking over MySpace, it turns out that the real decision maker at the recently sold social network is a former Pepsi executive named Al Dejewski. And Dejewski's is proposing some tough love: detox, shape up, and focus on selling music, for bros. Oh, God, whatever, dad. "We may have lost some traction to people like Facebook," with its 500 million users, the suit says. Ya think?

"We need to get it on P90X," Dejewski said of MySpace to AdAge. "Clean its system and get back to its foundation. And we've found that foundation is music." Apparently MySpace has deals with the four major music labels, hired not one but two (!) branding agencies, brought on some marketing types from Proctor & Gamble and CBS, is serious about turning things around, this time it's going to be different, yadda yadda whatever.

     Whatever P90X is (it sounds cool, like some sort of secret government formulated retrovirus that makes everyone into cannabalistic mySpace-loving futuremutants), they're going to need a fuck of a lot more than that and some "system cleaning" (lololololol) to get everybody back onto mySpace. Unless they have a time portal back to 2005, when mySpace was the only game in town, then I kind of doubt it. While we're at it, lets all get back on AOL. "You've got mail!". Ha. Remember that? They made a movie about it.

10 Protips To Get You Started

So what is a meme for, anyways, you ask? What do they do, what is their function, their raison d'etre if you will? Memes are shortcuts for comment boxes. Rather than type 'You are Stupid' in a comment box, it's much faster/easier/funnier to just insert a 'Derp!' meme photo. Isn't this just lazy trolling, you ask. No! It is efficient trolling, allowing you to troll over 9000 times as many crappy comments per hour. These will help get you going...

1. FAIL - The original classic. Still used even though it has become an IRL catchphrase. Gets your point across in a way that no one can miss.

2. COOL STORY BRO - You can use this one on just about anything that involves a lame personal anecdote, which most comment boxes are rife with.

3. I ACCIDENTALLY... This one is for pointing out funny mistakes when foreigners mangle teh English

The post that started it all

4. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG - For use anytime someone could be doing something better.

5. THE INTERNETS ARE SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS - For when people are taking things just a little too seriously, like threatening lolsuits and FBI raids and whatnot.

6. FGSFDS - pronounced "fiddis figgis", it is used when someone is speaking total gibberish

7. TL;DR - "too long, didn't read", for those whose postings have become verbose to the point of obtusity.

8. DIVIDE BY ZERO - For when anybody claims that something impossible happened, or when someone is using fuzzy or incorrect math.

9. YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID - Perfect for those ridiculous leaps of 'logick' that commenters are so well known for.

10. OWNED or PWNED - Another interwebs slang term that wormed it's way into real life. Still very useful for when someone has had the better gotten of them.

Well, there you are, some basic tools to get you, America, out there trolling people's stupid, asinine, butthurt, predictable and inane comments. It's your civic duty. Go start some shit.

*UPDATE*
Or of course, you can always go with the nuclear option. This picture is usable in any comment section anywhere, and results in total devastastion whenever used:

The War On Drugs Is A War On Minorities And The Poor

Fom an article today in Forbes:

New York City, 90 percent of the cases the Brooklyn Family Defense Project handles in which kids were removed from the home due to allegations of drug use involve marijuana:

“Lauren Shapiro, director of the Brooklyn Family Defense Project, which defends most parents facing neglect charges in Family Court in Brooklyn, said more than 90 percent of the cases alleging drug use that her lawyers handle involve marijuana, as opposed to other drugs.

Marijuana is the most common illicit drug in New York City: 730,000 people, or 12 percent of people age 12 and older, use the drug at least once annually, according to city health data.

Over all, the rate of marijuana use among whites is twice as high as among blacks and Hispanics in the city, the data show, but defense lawyers said these cases were rarely if ever filed against white parents.

In Washington D.C. 91 percent of the arrests made involving marijuana were of black people:

“More per capita marijuana arrests are made in the District than in any other jurisdiction in the country, according to a recent analysis of MPD and FBI data by Shenandoah University criminal justice professor Jon Gettman, the former director of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. Pot arrests have been rising steadily every year since at least 2003, mirroring a national trend that began in the 1990s. And they didn’t really work. “We doubled marijuana arrests and it had no effect on the number of users,” Gettman says.

But even with a high arrest rate, some people in D.C. can probably safely get high without worrying that the cops are coming. Those people are white people. In 2007, 91 percent of those arrested for marijuana were black. In a city whose population demographics are steadily evening out, that’s odd. In fact, adjusting for population, African Americans are eight times as likely to be arrested for weed as white smokers are.

America, we need to talk. If we legalize, all these problems and social injustices and bullshit simply goes away. It's time to pony up, admit that 95 million of us have at least tried it, that it's less toxic and societally corrosive than cigarettes or alcohol, and we've spent 26 billion dollars so far this year fighting it. You know how I know the War On Drugs is not working? 'Cause I'm fucking baked like a cake right now. Ha!

This Little Park With A Couple Buildings Took Forever To Build

View more videos at: http://www.nbcnewyork.com/?__source=embedCode.

This is a super-cool timelapse visdeo made up of individual photos taken once per day over the last 8 years. That's how long it has taken to build the 9/11 Memorial Thingy, which, like I said, is this like, park, and then three fuckin' buildings. It's slated to open on the Nineeleversary here in two weeks. But how did this thing take eight years? The original twin towers, which were a hell of a lot more impressive, were built in only six, and that was in the late sixties. WTF WTC memorializers? How was I supposed to get my grief on with no memorial to visit and buy souvenirs and concessions at? I hear they have animatronics and interactive games and shit too, and hopefully they didn't forget a bar, because it could get somewhat depressing thinking about 9/11 all day. But then again, a lot of people seem to really like doing it.

Jon Stewart Had A Good Week

In case you missed it...

The Daily Show - Recap - Week of 8/15/11
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

A Moderate Republican



He also adopts little azn neglecterinos


So you prolly haven't heard of John Huntsman unless you watched the debates or follow politics fairly closely. He is part of the bottom of the barrel of the current douche flotilla that constitutes the Republican party's entries into the 2012 presidential election. Wanna guess why he's doing so poorly? Listen to what he's saying:

When we take a position that isn't willing to embrace evolution, when we take a position that basically runs counter to what 98 of 100 climate scientists have said, what the National Academy of Science - Sciences has said about what is causing climate change and man's contribution to it, I think we find ourselves on the wrong side of science, and, therefore, in a losing position....I can't remember a time in our history where we actually were willing to shun science and become a - a party that - that was antithetical to science. I'm not sure that's good for our future and it's not a winning formula.

Holy Shit! SCIENCE? This guy is fucking batshit. Now check this out:

Well, I wouldn't necessarily trust any of my opponents right now, who were on a recent debate stage with me, when every single one of them would have allowed this country to default. You can imagine, even given the uncertainty of the marketplace the last several days and even the last couple of weeks, if we had defaulted the first time in the history of the greatest country that ever was, being 25 percent of the world's GDP and having the largest financial services sector in this world by a long shot, if we had defaulted, Jake, this marketplace would be in absolute turmoil. And people who are already losing enough as it is on their 401(k)s and retirement programs and home valuations, it would have been catastrophic.

Wow. This is the first time I've heard a Republican at the national level attempt to appeal to a moderate electorate since probably 1994 or so. Unfortunately, as previously mentioned, moderation in the opposition party right now is going over about as well as a lead zeppelin. But, hopefully, it will start to take off, the way things did the last time someone said that ' that's going to go over about as well as a lead zeppelin'. You know who that was said about? Led Zeppelin.

Lunchables Immortalized In Song

He-Man Said "Hey"

Finally, A Measure Of Justice For The West Menphis Three

The WM3 in 1993

      It isn't that often, America, where we can celebrate an incredible miscarriage of justice being corrected. The West Memphis Three were released from prison today. For thos of you who don't keep up on such things, the West Memphis Three are these three kids (well, not anymore) who, eighteen years ago, were convicted in the nightmarish murder and mutilation of three 8-year-old cub scouts. If you want the tl;dr full version, you can find it here. I recommend it if you have a half an hour or so. If you don't here's the quick and dirty. In 1993 three cub scouts were raped, murdered and dismembered by an unknown assailant(s) in west Memphis. The dipshit local cops identify it as a 'satanic ritual murder' (which, incidentally, has never been proven to have happened even once in American history, despite popular belief to the contrary. It's true, look it up) and then proceed to interrogate the only Wiccan kid in town, or probably Arkansas, and his two heavy metal buddies. After almost 12 hours of intense questioning, one of the buddies, who had an IQ tested at 72, had a meltdown and confessed (he was a minor and had no attorney present. All but 46 minutes of this interrogation were not recorded) and based on that they got majorly fucking railroaded. The two metal kids got life, because they were minors, and the Wiccan guy, only 19, got the death penalty (shit like this is why I oppose it, but that's for another day).

     So, over the years, momentum has gathered via the Interwebs and some celebrity involvement to have their case re-examined. When it finally was, DNA basically clears them due to physical evidence preserved from the time of the murders. So they took some crazy deal where they "admit to a preponderence of evidence against them" but not to guilt, and so are just released after time served. This basically says that since the one guy 'confessed' to a triple homicide, 18 years was what he had coming. The other two don't really fit in to this explanation, but it was the best I could come up with. So they won't get a Tim Masters-like 10 million bucks for being wrongfully prosecuted by assholes and incarcerated for decades, at least they're out. Hurrah for Justice (belated and anemic as it might be)! Tonight, when you have yourself a beer, raise a glass to the West Memphis Three, free at last.



The WM3 as of 4pm today



Ashton Kutcher To (Hopefully) Go To Federal Prison

Feel free to photoshop a giant black man with no pants on in the background of this one

    I am sure we are in agreement, America, that everything Ashton Kutcher is, does, and believes in totally sucks. As far as I am concerned, nothing he has ever done was newsworthy, until now. Apparently he edited the latest issue of Details magazine (har) and wrote a bunch of articles endorsing investments in companies that he owns, co-founded, or is heavily invested in without disclosing his interest in the aforementioned corporations. Highly illegal and unethical. Now the SEC and FTC is all up in his shit. Well, not really, but maybe (hopehopehope) they could be soon. Via Gawker:

Ashton Kutcher's editorship of Details was, as we noted yesterday, a brazenly self interested and highly misleading act of journalism. But it may have been a federal crime, too, judging from what the New York Times is reporting.

"It's certainly a possibility that a case like this could be investigated," assistant Federal Trade Commission director Richard Cleland tells the Times of Kutcher's Details special online issue, in which eight of 12 recommended products in one article were Kutcher investments. "If you're out there promoting individual products that you have a specific investment in, it needs to be disclosed... If you have a significant economic investment that is not otherwise apparent, that may potentially affect the credibility of your endorsement, and I see that as a potential problem." The FTC has made a priority out of online conflicts of interest.

 It's also possible Kutcher violated SEC rules. You're not supposed to promote a company you partly own — say, in a magazine — if you know it's soon to go public. And if a company's shares trade on private secondary markets you must abide federal rules on deceptive marketing, which a former SEC lawyer told the Times were "very broad... These rules apply any time there is a securities transaction."

     Maybe he will get the chair. Ok, ok, I don't wish him dead, per se, just disappeared permanently, like if we lived in V for Vendetta and he was a homosexual, which we do, and he is. In case you were wondering here are Kutcher's responses to these ethics charges:

Speaking of...

Rick Perry's Senior Pictures



And I thought it was Kevin Bacon that was in Animal House

 Remember taking your senior pictures back in high school, the ones where you wore a cardigan and leaned on an aspen tree for two hours, trying to smile? These are Texas Gubner Rick Perry's. Now, on the left, he doesn't look too bad, your basic basketball-playing preppie douchebag (but like, what's the significance of the dog?). However, on the right side, he's dressed like Ubersturmfeuhrer Friedrich Von Kaisershutzen while in Paris on leave from the eastern front. I mean, a sword? What the hell is that? Did he use it to kill the dog (conspicuously absent from the second picture, you'll notice)? Do they make you dress up like Damien from Omen 2 for your senior pictures when you go to private school? Weird.

For God's Sake, Don't Let Your Wife Drive To The Airport

You will lol at this:




It's not even like it's that old, I'm guessing mid 60's to early 70's, to be as blatantly sexist as it is. The premise seems to be that if you let your wife drive, it's like giving the wheel over to your cat who happens to be schizophrenic and on acid. So you better have some fucking good tires on there.

*UPDATE* Here is how women are treated in the media today.





We've come a long way.

Check Out The SunHack

LulzSec has apparently weighed in on the Rupert Murdoch Situation by hacking News of the World 's sister publication The Sun (italics added for extra legitimacy) today. They posted a cool, official looking article reporting Murdoch's suicide by ingestion of palladium. Nice.

Kenny Powers Is The K-Swiss MFCEO

This needs no introduction...

Kenny Powers - The K-Swiss MFCEO (UNCENSORED) from Michael Bay

This Is Typical Of What You'll See On eHarmony

This is Cara Hartmann, America. This is he eHarmony video form 4 days ago that was so viral it already got songified by the Gregory brothers. You do not need to see the original to figure out why. I'm pretty sure this is exactly the sort of thing you see on eHarmony every day, though.

Happy Bastille Day!

The Euros need millimeters so they can measure their dicks

In recognition of it's Frankish ancestry le Haineux would like to honor the French on Bastille Day. Thank you France, for french fries, french kissing, french vanilla, the Exocet missile, Les Miserables, and all that effete snobbery. Oh yeah, and by the way, we saved your ass in Dubya Dubya Deuce. Lol.

Please Watch Before Visiting America

Some sweet Engrish instructional videos for Japanese tourists coming to the good ol' USA. I like how the guy in the first one appears to be wearing a bra on his head, which of course means that he is gang affiliated.



I hope that the dance is also involved when you utilize this next one:



And finally this one is for after you inevitably end up blowing somebody away (a common occurence in our great nation):

Beware Saruman's Wily Magicks

Obama Is Gay Satan (I Think)

A driver in Oregon snapped this photo today of the rear end of a camper van containing a citizen clearly on his way somewhere important, like a job interview probably, and sticking it to the man the whole way there. His assertion that the President is uncircumcised queer Satan is most shocking, certainly. Mostly though, I respect the fact that someone is using the old school 'back of your car' method for deliviring questionable political, religious, and sexual beliefs instead of the new school 'Intenet' which already has 10  terrabytes devoted to Obama is Gay Satan, presumably.