My Immortal - World's Worst Fanfic?

A classic line from Dumblydore in My Immortal chapter 4

Ever checked out any fanfics, or fan fictions, which are these weird little stories and novellas that people put on the web? No? Well, usually they will take a book like Harry Potter and the X or Lord of the Rings, and then write other little short stories that take place in the same world and sometimes using some of the same characters and settings and shit. As I'm sure you might imagine, most of it is totally fucking hilarious. The best (worst) of all time is My Immortal, a Harry Potter/Vampire fanfic that stars a heroine by name of 'Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way'. Although it has been a while since the story was last continued, debate still rages as to whether this was serious, legitimate fanfic or a pretty funny troll. You decide...

Some notable quotes:

We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.

"She said……………………… 'Tara, I see drak times are near.' She said badly. She peered into da balls."

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive.

“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispered sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

The grammar is so hideous you have to at least suspect the troll explanation, especially when you take into account the ridiculous storyline and sudden unexplained sex scenes. Listen to the dramatic reading if you really wanna get a feel for it...




If you have the time and want to check it out, you can read all 44 chapters here.

He Bite Me In My Vagina

LET'S ALL TRY TO USE MORE CAPSLOCK!

TIRED OF LEAVING THE SAME OLD, BORING LOOKING TEXT IN THAT COMMENTS BOX? FUCK YEAH, YOU ARE. TRY SPICING IT UP WITH SOME CAPSLOCK NEXT TIME IF YOU REALLY WANT PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE RANTING. ALL CAPS IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL. USING CAPSLOCK  MAKES YOU INTO AN IMPORTANT AND DISCRIMINATING INTERNETS USER. EVERYTHING YOU SAY WILL SEEM TO BE MORE INSIGHTFUL AND CLEVER, MEMBERS OF BOTH GENDERS WILL WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, AND YOU WILL THUNDER LIKE BILLY MAYES AND CHUCK NORRIS' SECRET LOVE CHILD. BUT REMEMBER,WHEN USING THE ALL CAPS METHOD, TO PRESS IT AGAIN WHEN YOU ARE ALL THROUGH BEING COOL. SOME FACTS:

ALL CAPS > not all caps.

CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

The script of the movie 300 is written in ALL CAPS.

Typing in ALL CAPS immediately makes you invulnerable to pain

gluing your shift key for ETERNAL CAPS is fine too.

CAPSLOCK is an anagram of COCKSLAP

 International Caps Lock Day is June 28th. MARK IT ON YOUR CALENDER.

Memewatch 2011 'The Cthulu Hat'

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

America, rarely are we given an opportunity to see a meme start from the moment of it's inception. However, thanks to Princess Beatrice (some horse-mouthed English chick who wore what is now being called "The Cthulu Hat" to her cousin's wedding last night), we are now witnessing the true velocity of an internet joke. This meme is, at the time of this writing, just 14 hours old and is already getting good. Of course, just look at that hat. How could that thing not wind up a meme in like 2 seconds? Some samples:

Theoretically, if she had worn this one, there would have been less conflict. Or would there?



And of course, here is the obligatory 'She is probably the Antichrist' video. English christian wingnuts are every bit as ridiculous as ours are, they just sound smarter...

Seriously, though, watch all 7 minutes of this. It's worth it just for the incongruous background images.

Glenn Beck Teaches Blowjob Seminar

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Stop Making Fun Of Me Josh!

Srsly.

Obama's Fake Birth Certificate Signed By Futurepen

Ok, so Obama finally knuckles under and lets everyone see his goddamned (totally fake) birth certificate already. How do we know it's fake? Becasuse people like Tweeter Gary Mathis are all-fucking-over-it, that's how..

FUCKING ROLLERBALL! Damn! Obama's gonna be pissed, man, after having the CIA work on that thing for, like, 2 years already, and then to have it all get fucked up because some dunderhead used a post-1980s pen on it. Fortunately, America, we have super citizen Gary Mathis, who will tweet us in the event that Obama tries to pass off any more shoddily forged documents.

Atlas Sucks

Ha. So they aren't going to make Atlas Shrugged parts 2 & 3 because Part 1 made so little money, and it doesn't take an Objectivist to see that there is nothing exceptional about that.


Some unrelated-to-the-article-but-still-awesome Larping



Yes, it's true, I know, I can't believe it either. Hollywood's best ideology-based book turned movie since Battlefield Earth is a complete and total flop, earning only $3 million, which is the Hollywood equivalent of jack plus shit. Even with all those devotees on the fringe of the left and the right wing movements and an average movie price of twelve bucks a head, they barely paid for what it cost for the rights to the story (supposedly 2.2 million). Like I said, ha. So now there is a pretty good flame war over at the Daily Beast debating the relative merits of said book/movie. Here is the COTD, in response to a prior post:

There are several reasons to hate it, but just to address some of what you're saying:

First of all—and it really bears mentioning every time—the prose is terrible. It really doesn't function well as a novel, forget any underlying messages. The characters sound like automatons, the adjectives are too numerous by a factor of 20, the tone is insanely shrill, and there's not a whisper of dramatic ambiguity.

But that aside, the book doesn't actually advocate hard work, it advocates exceptionalism. Dagny and Hank, et al, DO work hard, but we're never allowed to forget that the work is both a result of and in service to their profound Greatness. And though they do have "enemies," you'll note that present around the edges of the narrative are all these nameless faceless workers who have to accomplish these grand and glorious projects that our heroes want to have done. (And you'll note also that part of the heroes' Essential Greatness is that they're never tempted to exploit the workers to increase their own wealth or status.) And not one of these workers seems to have any ambition for him or herself beyond doing a good day's work in service of the dreams of these Awesomely Exceptional People. Everyone who is good behaves nobly and everyone who is bad behaves shamefully, and there are no humans acting like humans.

So in order to love and believe in the book and get excited about the whole Objectivist line of crap, you pretty much have to believe that you are yourself one of these exceptional people—your ideas are the best, you're the best, and you were born to lead and stand out. It's like a massive dose of ego steroids for those who have always secretly suspected they were awesome. And the other side of this is why corporate welfare recipients are so comfortable letting the government bail them out whenever they do something bone-stupid like ruining the economy—they're not lazy bums taking a handout! They're Exceptional Awesomes who've just hit a little bump in the road on their way to fulfilling their Exceptional Destiny! And frankly, it's the government's RESPONSIBILITY to make their endeavors easier for them, because they're chosen!

Believing in these ideas—and believing that if we're just allowed to implement them in an completely unencumbered fashion, everything would be perfect—also makes it easier to swallow the sight of people struggling and suffering, because you can just tell yourself that it's their own fault, that you would never fall into that trap because you do work hard, and also you're super-special.

I think it's an evil book, I really do.

Thanks, commentor Tewkesbury! Fucking evil man, I love it.

Check Out These Top Secret Government Dossiers Courtesy Of Wikileaks

So, if you haven't had a chance to check out these leaked files, do it. They're Top Secret and Pretty Crazy...

In the end, Wikileaks may have done the Obama administration a huge favor, as it seems like most of this information that they have on these guys, if indeed accurate, is pretty damning and it justifies their decision to move with caution when it comes to possibly releasing them. On the other hand, some guys will have their 10 year anniversary there next year. I mean, are we just gonna keep 'em there forever? They are going to reveal a few more each day, and you can check out the whole thing here.

For The Love Of Christ Get Rid Of Your iPhone

Newly revealed patent applications prove beyond a doubt what I have suspected all along: that Steve Jobs is a fucking lunatic. For some reason he would like to know where you are at any given moment, as well as everywhere you have ever been before this moment. Check it:

Ronald Huang, an Apple senior engineering manager, filed patent application 12/553,554 last month, "Location histories for location aware devices," which explains how Apple can amass and use location data in the very ways Apple critics fear. The patent application, for example, envisions a searchable map plotting the owner's location history; tying location to financial transactions; transmitting location data over the internet to remote servers; and many other uses.

Apple has been enmeshed in controversy since computer researchers disclosed last month that the iPhone stores indefinitely data about its whereabouts gleaned from cell phone towers and wifi access points. The data collection started with the release of iOS 4 last June. The iPhone puts the location data in an easily read file called "consolidated.db," which is apparently never pruned for old entries.

Privacy advocates, politicians and the press have loudly raised concerns about how this extensive history of personal movements is going to be used. Senator Al Franken and Rep. Ed Markey, for example, both wrote letters to Apple demanding to know why the location dossiers are being created, and today the Illinois attorney general followed suit. The information is also collected even if the iPhone's "location services" preference is set to "off," the Wall Street Journal reported this morning.

Where the fuck was Glenn Beck on this one? Here we have an actual conspiracy of highly questionable  legality to spy on everyday people, and Beck has not committed word one to chalkboard.