Look Familiar?

Hurricane Irene

     Wow, I'm going to look like a major dick if this thing kills like a hundred thousand people, amirite? Still, it really does look like Katrina, size-wise and all. Prolly nothing will happen, but watching New Yorkers FUCKING FREAK OUT over the last couple of days has been pretty entertaining. Way to legalize gay marriage. Lol jk.

There's Still A MySpace?

Grafitti never lies

     Soooo, you prolly heard that social networking 1.0 dinosaur mySpace is in pretty bad shape with only 35 million users left (that's a 50 percent loss since January). Thats compared to 500 million on Facebook. I had to laugh, though, because I couldn't believe that there's 35 million people that are still blinging out their mySpace pages. Lol. I guess Justin Timberlake is involved in some capacity now (hopefully not a financial one) and they're trying to turn things around. From Gawker:

 For all the talk about Justin Timberlake taking over MySpace, it turns out that the real decision maker at the recently sold social network is a former Pepsi executive named Al Dejewski. And Dejewski's is proposing some tough love: detox, shape up, and focus on selling music, for bros. Oh, God, whatever, dad. "We may have lost some traction to people like Facebook," with its 500 million users, the suit says. Ya think?

"We need to get it on P90X," Dejewski said of MySpace to AdAge. "Clean its system and get back to its foundation. And we've found that foundation is music." Apparently MySpace has deals with the four major music labels, hired not one but two (!) branding agencies, brought on some marketing types from Proctor & Gamble and CBS, is serious about turning things around, this time it's going to be different, yadda yadda whatever.

     Whatever P90X is (it sounds cool, like some sort of secret government formulated retrovirus that makes everyone into cannabalistic mySpace-loving futuremutants), they're going to need a fuck of a lot more than that and some "system cleaning" (lololololol) to get everybody back onto mySpace. Unless they have a time portal back to 2005, when mySpace was the only game in town, then I kind of doubt it. While we're at it, lets all get back on AOL. "You've got mail!". Ha. Remember that? They made a movie about it.

10 Protips To Get You Started

So what is a meme for, anyways, you ask? What do they do, what is their function, their raison d'etre if you will? Memes are shortcuts for comment boxes. Rather than type 'You are Stupid' in a comment box, it's much faster/easier/funnier to just insert a 'Derp!' meme photo. Isn't this just lazy trolling, you ask. No! It is efficient trolling, allowing you to troll over 9000 times as many crappy comments per hour. These will help get you going...

1. FAIL - The original classic. Still used even though it has become an IRL catchphrase. Gets your point across in a way that no one can miss.

2. COOL STORY BRO - You can use this one on just about anything that involves a lame personal anecdote, which most comment boxes are rife with.

3. I ACCIDENTALLY... This one is for pointing out funny mistakes when foreigners mangle teh English

The post that started it all

4. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG - For use anytime someone could be doing something better.

5. THE INTERNETS ARE SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS - For when people are taking things just a little too seriously, like threatening lolsuits and FBI raids and whatnot.

6. FGSFDS - pronounced "fiddis figgis", it is used when someone is speaking total gibberish

7. TL;DR - "too long, didn't read", for those whose postings have become verbose to the point of obtusity.

8. DIVIDE BY ZERO - For when anybody claims that something impossible happened, or when someone is using fuzzy or incorrect math.

9. YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID - Perfect for those ridiculous leaps of 'logick' that commenters are so well known for.

10. OWNED or PWNED - Another interwebs slang term that wormed it's way into real life. Still very useful for when someone has had the better gotten of them.

Well, there you are, some basic tools to get you, America, out there trolling people's stupid, asinine, butthurt, predictable and inane comments. It's your civic duty. Go start some shit.

*UPDATE*
Or of course, you can always go with the nuclear option. This picture is usable in any comment section anywhere, and results in total devastastion whenever used:

The War On Drugs Is A War On Minorities And The Poor

Fom an article today in Forbes:

New York City, 90 percent of the cases the Brooklyn Family Defense Project handles in which kids were removed from the home due to allegations of drug use involve marijuana:

“Lauren Shapiro, director of the Brooklyn Family Defense Project, which defends most parents facing neglect charges in Family Court in Brooklyn, said more than 90 percent of the cases alleging drug use that her lawyers handle involve marijuana, as opposed to other drugs.

Marijuana is the most common illicit drug in New York City: 730,000 people, or 12 percent of people age 12 and older, use the drug at least once annually, according to city health data.

Over all, the rate of marijuana use among whites is twice as high as among blacks and Hispanics in the city, the data show, but defense lawyers said these cases were rarely if ever filed against white parents.

In Washington D.C. 91 percent of the arrests made involving marijuana were of black people:

“More per capita marijuana arrests are made in the District than in any other jurisdiction in the country, according to a recent analysis of MPD and FBI data by Shenandoah University criminal justice professor Jon Gettman, the former director of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. Pot arrests have been rising steadily every year since at least 2003, mirroring a national trend that began in the 1990s. And they didn’t really work. “We doubled marijuana arrests and it had no effect on the number of users,” Gettman says.

But even with a high arrest rate, some people in D.C. can probably safely get high without worrying that the cops are coming. Those people are white people. In 2007, 91 percent of those arrested for marijuana were black. In a city whose population demographics are steadily evening out, that’s odd. In fact, adjusting for population, African Americans are eight times as likely to be arrested for weed as white smokers are.

America, we need to talk. If we legalize, all these problems and social injustices and bullshit simply goes away. It's time to pony up, admit that 95 million of us have at least tried it, that it's less toxic and societally corrosive than cigarettes or alcohol, and we've spent 26 billion dollars so far this year fighting it. You know how I know the War On Drugs is not working? 'Cause I'm fucking baked like a cake right now. Ha!

This Little Park With A Couple Buildings Took Forever To Build

View more videos at: http://www.nbcnewyork.com/?__source=embedCode.

This is a super-cool timelapse visdeo made up of individual photos taken once per day over the last 8 years. That's how long it has taken to build the 9/11 Memorial Thingy, which, like I said, is this like, park, and then three fuckin' buildings. It's slated to open on the Nineeleversary here in two weeks. But how did this thing take eight years? The original twin towers, which were a hell of a lot more impressive, were built in only six, and that was in the late sixties. WTF WTC memorializers? How was I supposed to get my grief on with no memorial to visit and buy souvenirs and concessions at? I hear they have animatronics and interactive games and shit too, and hopefully they didn't forget a bar, because it could get somewhat depressing thinking about 9/11 all day. But then again, a lot of people seem to really like doing it.

Jon Stewart Had A Good Week

In case you missed it...

The Daily Show - Recap - Week of 8/15/11
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A Moderate Republican



He also adopts little azn neglecterinos


So you prolly haven't heard of John Huntsman unless you watched the debates or follow politics fairly closely. He is part of the bottom of the barrel of the current douche flotilla that constitutes the Republican party's entries into the 2012 presidential election. Wanna guess why he's doing so poorly? Listen to what he's saying:

When we take a position that isn't willing to embrace evolution, when we take a position that basically runs counter to what 98 of 100 climate scientists have said, what the National Academy of Science - Sciences has said about what is causing climate change and man's contribution to it, I think we find ourselves on the wrong side of science, and, therefore, in a losing position....I can't remember a time in our history where we actually were willing to shun science and become a - a party that - that was antithetical to science. I'm not sure that's good for our future and it's not a winning formula.

Holy Shit! SCIENCE? This guy is fucking batshit. Now check this out:

Well, I wouldn't necessarily trust any of my opponents right now, who were on a recent debate stage with me, when every single one of them would have allowed this country to default. You can imagine, even given the uncertainty of the marketplace the last several days and even the last couple of weeks, if we had defaulted the first time in the history of the greatest country that ever was, being 25 percent of the world's GDP and having the largest financial services sector in this world by a long shot, if we had defaulted, Jake, this marketplace would be in absolute turmoil. And people who are already losing enough as it is on their 401(k)s and retirement programs and home valuations, it would have been catastrophic.

Wow. This is the first time I've heard a Republican at the national level attempt to appeal to a moderate electorate since probably 1994 or so. Unfortunately, as previously mentioned, moderation in the opposition party right now is going over about as well as a lead zeppelin. But, hopefully, it will start to take off, the way things did the last time someone said that ' that's going to go over about as well as a lead zeppelin'. You know who that was said about? Led Zeppelin.

Lunchables Immortalized In Song

He-Man Said "Hey"

Finally, A Measure Of Justice For The West Menphis Three

The WM3 in 1993

      It isn't that often, America, where we can celebrate an incredible miscarriage of justice being corrected. The West Memphis Three were released from prison today. For thos of you who don't keep up on such things, the West Memphis Three are these three kids (well, not anymore) who, eighteen years ago, were convicted in the nightmarish murder and mutilation of three 8-year-old cub scouts. If you want the tl;dr full version, you can find it here. I recommend it if you have a half an hour or so. If you don't here's the quick and dirty. In 1993 three cub scouts were raped, murdered and dismembered by an unknown assailant(s) in west Memphis. The dipshit local cops identify it as a 'satanic ritual murder' (which, incidentally, has never been proven to have happened even once in American history, despite popular belief to the contrary. It's true, look it up) and then proceed to interrogate the only Wiccan kid in town, or probably Arkansas, and his two heavy metal buddies. After almost 12 hours of intense questioning, one of the buddies, who had an IQ tested at 72, had a meltdown and confessed (he was a minor and had no attorney present. All but 46 minutes of this interrogation were not recorded) and based on that they got majorly fucking railroaded. The two metal kids got life, because they were minors, and the Wiccan guy, only 19, got the death penalty (shit like this is why I oppose it, but that's for another day).

     So, over the years, momentum has gathered via the Interwebs and some celebrity involvement to have their case re-examined. When it finally was, DNA basically clears them due to physical evidence preserved from the time of the murders. So they took some crazy deal where they "admit to a preponderence of evidence against them" but not to guilt, and so are just released after time served. This basically says that since the one guy 'confessed' to a triple homicide, 18 years was what he had coming. The other two don't really fit in to this explanation, but it was the best I could come up with. So they won't get a Tim Masters-like 10 million bucks for being wrongfully prosecuted by assholes and incarcerated for decades, at least they're out. Hurrah for Justice (belated and anemic as it might be)! Tonight, when you have yourself a beer, raise a glass to the West Memphis Three, free at last.



The WM3 as of 4pm today



Ashton Kutcher To (Hopefully) Go To Federal Prison

Feel free to photoshop a giant black man with no pants on in the background of this one

    I am sure we are in agreement, America, that everything Ashton Kutcher is, does, and believes in totally sucks. As far as I am concerned, nothing he has ever done was newsworthy, until now. Apparently he edited the latest issue of Details magazine (har) and wrote a bunch of articles endorsing investments in companies that he owns, co-founded, or is heavily invested in without disclosing his interest in the aforementioned corporations. Highly illegal and unethical. Now the SEC and FTC is all up in his shit. Well, not really, but maybe (hopehopehope) they could be soon. Via Gawker:

Ashton Kutcher's editorship of Details was, as we noted yesterday, a brazenly self interested and highly misleading act of journalism. But it may have been a federal crime, too, judging from what the New York Times is reporting.

"It's certainly a possibility that a case like this could be investigated," assistant Federal Trade Commission director Richard Cleland tells the Times of Kutcher's Details special online issue, in which eight of 12 recommended products in one article were Kutcher investments. "If you're out there promoting individual products that you have a specific investment in, it needs to be disclosed... If you have a significant economic investment that is not otherwise apparent, that may potentially affect the credibility of your endorsement, and I see that as a potential problem." The FTC has made a priority out of online conflicts of interest.

 It's also possible Kutcher violated SEC rules. You're not supposed to promote a company you partly own — say, in a magazine — if you know it's soon to go public. And if a company's shares trade on private secondary markets you must abide federal rules on deceptive marketing, which a former SEC lawyer told the Times were "very broad... These rules apply any time there is a securities transaction."

     Maybe he will get the chair. Ok, ok, I don't wish him dead, per se, just disappeared permanently, like if we lived in V for Vendetta and he was a homosexual, which we do, and he is. In case you were wondering here are Kutcher's responses to these ethics charges:

Speaking of...

Rick Perry's Senior Pictures



And I thought it was Kevin Bacon that was in Animal House

 Remember taking your senior pictures back in high school, the ones where you wore a cardigan and leaned on an aspen tree for two hours, trying to smile? These are Texas Gubner Rick Perry's. Now, on the left, he doesn't look too bad, your basic basketball-playing preppie douchebag (but like, what's the significance of the dog?). However, on the right side, he's dressed like Ubersturmfeuhrer Friedrich Von Kaisershutzen while in Paris on leave from the eastern front. I mean, a sword? What the hell is that? Did he use it to kill the dog (conspicuously absent from the second picture, you'll notice)? Do they make you dress up like Damien from Omen 2 for your senior pictures when you go to private school? Weird.

For God's Sake, Don't Let Your Wife Drive To The Airport

You will lol at this:




It's not even like it's that old, I'm guessing mid 60's to early 70's, to be as blatantly sexist as it is. The premise seems to be that if you let your wife drive, it's like giving the wheel over to your cat who happens to be schizophrenic and on acid. So you better have some fucking good tires on there.

*UPDATE* Here is how women are treated in the media today.





We've come a long way.

China Can Haz Aircraft Carrier?

That's the Varyag, a Soviet-era Aircraft Carrier acquired by the Chinese. It is China's only aircraft cariier so far, though, predictably because they are more difficult to make than toothbrushes and silly-bands. From the Center for Strategic and International Studies:

The acquisition of an aircraft carrier is driven in part by China’s desire for international prestige. The United States, United Kingdom, France, Russia, Spain, Italy, India, Brazil, and Thailand operate a total of 21 active-service aircraft carriers (the United States alone operates 11). An aircraft carrier is widely viewed by Chinese as a symbol of national power and prestige. PLA officers often remind foreigners that China is the only permanent member of the UN Security Council without a carrier. At the same time, however, the procurement of the carrier is a consequence of an improved continental threat environment that has imposed constraints on China’s ability to develop sea power.

Yeah, they don't sound too worried. And yet, China having zero aircraft carriers when we had eleven was an infinity-to-one ratio, and now it's just down to eleven-to-one, which isn't nearly as good, so perhaps we should be. Read the rest of the article here, as it is an interesting look at China's current military capabilities (just successfully tested a stealth fighter and an ASAT weapon, for example, which puts them around 20 years behind us, or so).

Their Stuff Is Shit And Your Shit Is Stuff

Watch as Stuart poons Megyn Kelly, Foxnews Anchorwoman who only likes entitlements when they apply to her...

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The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

These are a sampling of quotations from college students across the country and world after they were asked to give up the Internets for just one day. Ohhhh boy. We need to have a little talk, young people. You guys didn't live throught the crack epidemic, which sounded quite a bit like this. Obviously I can't complain too much, though, because if people didn't waste huge amounts of time on the Interwebz then sites like this would not exist.

If You Get That Plastic Surgery, This Is What You'll Look Like At 85

Take a long, hard look at that before getting that facelift

Meet Maria del Rosario Cayetana Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Francisca Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva. She's the Duchess of Alba, which is in Spain or somewhere, like, mediterranean. She's 85 years young, baby. It is currently unknown how many plastic surgeries she's had in her life, but it is certainly at least one. So before you deaden half your face muscles with botox again, remember that some things are worse than having wrinkles, America. Oh, by the way that dude with her is her fiance. For real. His name is Alfonso and he is definitely not after her estimated 5 billion (with a b, as in "bitch, that's a thousand millions!") dollar fortune. Honestly, though, could you have sex with her, even if it was for 5 billion dollars? Chicks do it all the time, amirite? I gotta hand it to you, though, Alfonso for leaping on that grenade night after night, all for a chance at 5 billion dollars. It's like some horrible game show, where the other contestants are her 6 kids and all they have to do is look at her, and probably then only at Christmas and on Mother's Day, and they are probably just as much in the running as he is, and they had a long head start at being fawning and obsequious. But at least he has an outside shot. Anyways, botox will fuck you up, so stay away from that shit.

Reinstate Slavery 2012!

La Puta Loca

Sorry to be so political lately, but it's an election cycle, and that's where most of the rage and lulz are going to be centered right now, and will be for some time. Today's political lulz come via Michelle Bachmann. No, it's not her gay husband, that's soooo late June, people. This time it's her awesome Newsweek cover as seen above coupled with this interesting info from a story about her by Ryan Lizza, Senior Editor at the New Republic :

[Bachmann's recommended historian] J Steven Wilkins has combined a Christian conservatism with neo-confederate views and developed what is known as the theological war thesis. This is an idea that says the best way to understand the Civil War is to see it in religious terms, and [that] the South was an Orthodox Christian nation attacked by the godless North and that what was really lost after the Civil War was one of the pinnacles of Christian society. This insane view of the Civil War has been successfully injected into some of the Christian home-schooling movement curriculums with the help of [Wilkins]. My guess is this is how [Bachmann] encountered the guy at some point. ... She recommended this book on her website for a number of years. It is an objectively pro-slavery book and one of the most startling things I learned about her in this piece.

Could this information hurt her chances with black voters? Will Herman Cain bitchslap her at the next debate? Will she ever take a picture where she doesn't look like the World's Craziest Bitch? Looking like she does, if you told me she bit the heads off of babies while frolicking in the moonlight, I'd believe you. Not that she wouldn't make a terrific president, of course.

Facepocalypse Now: Anonymous To Destroy Facebook On November Fifth

Breaking news, America! Anonymous has declared it's intent to destroy Facebook, which is a target that I can finally get behind. Yeah, it's cool to knock down the CIA and FBI's websites and shit, but no one fucking goes to those, unless they're like a six-grader writing a report or something. Now, Facebook... that's an act of such epic trollery that it would deservedly go down in history. If you have to ask 'Why November Fifth?" please exit my website now and never return. Or at least go read some Alan Moore before you come back.



Anyways, SICK! I fucking hate Facebook, as anyone who knows me will attest. I quit it almost a year ago now and it was the best decision I have ever made, period. You know you will quit sooner or later, so you might as well just do it now so you can be like me, a smug hater that is going to laugh his ass off come Guy Fawkes' Day.

Suck My Hairy Balls, You GOP Teaparty Assholes

Just wanted to give a shout out to my homies in the GOP, and most particularly the Tea Baggers, for fucking up the economy even worse with your retarded, made-up "crisis" over the debt ceiling. An issue that has been rubber stamped by congress 41 times in the last 30 years is now suddenly yet another cannonball with which you will try to sink the Obama presidency. That's terrific, really. Here, after all that bullshit, is what you got us.

• A downgraded credit rating. You know what's so great about that? Now we have to pay more for the money that we borrow. So those 400 billion dollars in spending cuts that you insisted be a part of the debt ceiling deal? Gone. We just cut medicaid and federal student loans so we can turn around and pay it as interest to foreign countries. Seriously.
• The stock market is imploding. I'm sure this hurts you people a lot worse than it does me, so that's actually pretty fucking sweet. Still, I have to live in this society, and what's bad for a lot of us or most of us is probably bad for all of us.
• The dollar is getting pooned overseas. This also raises the cost of borrowing foreign money. See point A above.
• Now, foreigners are saying we've lost our superpower status. We're basically Russia circa 1992, according to this guy. Or Canada at any time in history. I assume we will break up into tiny, fractious, quarrelsome republics any time now.Granted, it's an Arab News OpEd, but still.

So, like I said, way to go, guys! You went to congress all hot and bothered to "shake things up" and "change the way they do things in Washington". Well you did it. You changed things by making them completely and irretrievably disfunctional and now everybody gets to help pay for it. Why don't you try to spend some time learning about American government before you run for congress next time. Take a fuckin' civics class.

Mike Huckabee Fixes American History

At last. I've often said to myself  "Self, wouldn't it be great if there was a Mike Huckabee Interwebs Video explaining all important American historical events using time travelling cartoon characters?". Well, I got my wish, America. Get a load of this:



This is just a preview, because you have to pay like fifteen bucks for each actual episode, because, you know, Huckabee isn't a communist or something. Here's a few more I was able to dig up sans currency changing hands.






It sort of looks like South Park if it were animated by someone using a Commodore. I love the last one especially, where Mike reaches out to feminists with a "Girl Power!" shout out and the time travellin' kids wind up at Pearl Harbor and do the patriotic thing by not warning anybody. I'll be keepin my eye out for more of these, believe you me.

Your Gay Face

World's Coolest Mayor

So the mayor of some place called Vilnius will run your Mercedes the fuck over with a Soviet-era APC if you park in his bicycle lane. He makes Rudy Guiliani look like a total pussy. I'm moving to Vilnius. Where is that? Vermont? Alaska?

Seriously, Don't Tempt Them

Only In America

Check out the end of a Judge Judy from last week, America. We are the only nation on Earth capable of being this odd on television.



*UPDATE* Ok, the japanese can get pretty weird too...



Now he will never be ronery again!

JetBlue Gets Punked

Internet pranksters Corporate Twits, who thankfully have nothing better to do all day than fuck with the army of interns that run retarded corporate twitter feeds, have struck again, 9/11 style. Lulz.

*UPDATE* Some more examples of their fine work...

Paul Kagame is the dictator of Rwanda. Nice.

So, basically, yeah, we do

Since its AT&T, I'm surprised any of the calls even got through