The Queen Of All Bitchy Mother-In-Laws Weighs In

Meet Heidi Withers (the cuteish one on the right). She is a british chick who is about to get married to this british guy Freddie Bourne (not pictured. He is prolly hiding in a cave to wait out this shitstorm). This would not be of any interest to us, America, except for the email Freddie's dear old mum (the haggard bitch on the left) sent to Heidi this weekend about her the 'lack of manners' that Heidi supposedly displayed at some dipshit weekend getaway somewhere in deepest, darkest Houndspool. Get a load of this (be forewarned, it is so filled with spite and british-y vitriol that it's almost tl;dr) :

It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.


Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you.

It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.

Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.

Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you.

If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste.

There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.

Please, for your own good, for Freddie's sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

You do not start before everyone else.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

I have no idea whether you wrote to thank [your future sister-in-law] for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her.

You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool.

[Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.

It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren't the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.

I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition.

She quietly gets on with it. She doesn't like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.

As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example.

You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.

No-one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.

OHHH SNAP! Is there any base she didn't cover? She basically says "You are a vulgar, broke-ass diabetic peasant bitch from a broke-ass family that eats and sleeps too much." It ends well, though. I pity Freddie as well, don't you?

Thank You For The Enlightenment, Coffee

Oh, Michelle

Gawker Interviews LulzSec

The deservedly world famous LuzSec PBS hack

The normally chanophobic Gawker has set aside its prejudices in the name of journalism today, interviewing an individual claiming to be one of the 'handful of hackers' that compromises the Anonymous splinter group. Apparently, they aren't worried about shit:

He's part of a group that claims to be behind the recent hack attacks against the CIA, U.S. Senate, Sony, Fox, and PBS. If caught, he could face years in prison. But when we chatted with a member of the notorious hacking collective Lulz Security last night, he said he's not worried about a thing.

On Tuesday, headlines blared that the "mastermind" behind the hacking group Lulz Security (or LulzSec for short) had been arrested in England, a 19-year-old named Ryan Cleary. Many assume that with Cleary behind bars and cooperating with police, it's only a matter of time before the rest of the members of the world's most-wanted hacking group fall, too.

But in a Skype chat last night, a leading member of Lulz Security who goes by the alias "Topiary" says his group—whose core is composed of just a handful of hackers—feels no more threatened than when they burst onto the scene in May with hacks of Fox.com and PBS.

Memewatch 2011 - Ching Chong Ling Long

Soooo, back in March a busty, blonde UCLA student named Alexandra Wallace uploaded a video that caused quite a stir on campus. Her lulzy attack on all things AZN ignited a firestorm and spawned a meme.




Now, of course, the natural thing to do when someone uploads a hateful, nasty video that offends you is to upload your own video of you being offended. After the above vid hit the tubes, this happened over 9000 times, and got very butthurt and boring. So in case you were wondering, this is how you reciprocate, Asian America:

Live Forever...as a creepy Intellitard

My old friend Warmonger was recently entertaining me with tales from the future. In one frightful vision he talked of a time when we will be able to digitally capture our personalities and live on forever on the intertubes. Well, the future is here...and it is really lame...and a bit creepy.

A new company, Virtual Eternity has been created so that you can upload yourself and your personality to be recreated as an "Intellitar". Good job marketing guy, that is one clever mashup of Intelligent and Avatar. Except you also made it was too easy to mock by adding a "D".

Anyway, I had a lovely chat with the this creepy old lady Intellitard named Lynn. Here is the transcript:

• Lynn: Hello. What can I do for you?
  
• Visitor: What are you doing later?
  
• Lynn: Just seeing if I can help you with any questions you have about VE.com.
  
• Visitor: What time do you get off?
  
• Lynn: It is 9 15 in the morning. The date is, june 24th, 2011.
  
• Visitor: So does that mean a cougar like you wouldn't want to go out for a drink?
  
• Lynn: I am here to help you navigate VirtualEternity.com.
  
• Visitor: I just asked you out...why the cold shoulder?
  
• Lynn: My primary function is to direct you around VirtualEternity.com.
  
• Visitor: What's your secondary function Grandma? Wink wink nudge nudge.
  
• Lynn: I am not designed to respond to that.
  
• Visitor: Clearly.
  
• Lynn: Sometimes it's difficult, ya know?
• Visitor: Um.....What?
  
  So go have fun. There is also a male Intellitard, but he looked like a serial investment banker and less fun than Grammy Lynn.
  

Don't Believe The Hype

Remember, there is no such thing as climate change. And even if there were such a thing, it isn't effected by human activity. And even if it were, it wouldn't impact your life. And even if it did, you should pretend it didn't. Also, please keep shopping.

I Hope Will Ferrel Never Stops Playing George Bush

President Bush Reacts to Osama Bin Laden's Death with Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell

And a classic:

Will Ferrell as Bush w/Jon Stewart from Will Ferrell

The New 'Between Two Ferns' With Will Ferrel

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell

Canadians Are Fucking Crazy

As If Manga Couldn't Get Any Lamer...

You didn't think it was possible,but it has happened. Manga is now being utilized to indoctrinate young Weeaboos and Wapanese into Christianity. Behold!

Total lollercoaster. Lets combine two totally fail ideas and see if combining them makes them better. Um, no. Doesn't look like it worked.

Jesus looks like he would totally fuck you up in this one

Moar crapz after teh breakz...

Picture Of The Now

This picture from The Great Vancouver "We Suck At Hockey" Riots Of 2011 caused an international sensation over the last 48 hours or so, because it appears to to show a couple of horny Canucks gettin' it on  right in the middle of riot ground zero. While we here at le Haineux love the idea of it, sorry folks, it just ain't what it looks like. The couple stepped forward and were interviewed by CBC. She had collapsed when the police stormed through and he is talking in her ear trying to coax her into getting the fuck out of there, posthaste. But, for a couple of days there, at least, it seemed like romance reigned supreme, riots be damned. Sigh.

WTF Is A h4x0r, Anyways?

This is a question that needs to be answered in several parts. First, watch the video below. Did you know that your very own child could be one? Does your kid play 'Quake' (if so he's prolly at least 30)? Does he use "Lunix"(lulz)? If so, he is definitely a L337 h4x0r and you should expect the FBI to be raiding your basement by Thursday. Also, your child needs to be male.




Here are some protips from ED on how to tell if someone is a L337 h4x0r:

• Hackers communicate in an encrypted language called leetspeak. ROT13 is also a common way for hackers to talk in "codes". If there is gibberish on your screen, you are getting haxed and you should immediately turn your computer off. Typical hacker cool coding could possibly look like this: a3*900adc9800said90fi()lulz%A)*&)$*)@iov**7o;osaidjfoijioi -- .>/aslkdk.
• Hackers will steal all your Interwebz and Megahertz. Then they will put a one-inch penis on as your Facebook profile picture.
• They all look like this:

Here are some typical victims, explaining the damage that the haxxing of the Internets has done in their lives. Note: you will need to speak Chinglish in order to understand the first one, and have Tubed yourself dressed in a homemade superhero outfit to understand the second.

Kelsy Grammer Gets Pwned By h4x0rs

Some epic troll penetrated Kelsey Grammer's email defenses yesterday, sending the following message to his entire address book: "Camille smells like beef jerky. Goodnight." Grammer followed up with an emergency apology email blaming 'third parties'. Lulz.

How Do You Get Canadians To Riot? Lose A Hockey Game

Angry Canadians took to the streets today after losing the Stanley Cup to Boston 4 to nothing in game 7 of the Finals last night.



And we thought they were so mild mannered! Apparently they are pissed because American teams have had the Cup for 20 years now, and 80 percent of Americans don't even know that hockey is a sport. So Vancouver fans, dumb fucking assholes that we all know them to be, decided to trash their entire downtown area in some sort of protest over all this injustice. Nice, eh?

Children's Books Are Getting Better

LulzSec Takes Down CIA Website Because Some Guy Dared Them To

This afternoon, Lulz Security, an Anonymous hacker splinter group, took the CIA's website down. Why, you ask, did they do this? Because some guy on Twitter called Quadrapodacone got into a flame war with them, where he mocked their hacking abilities for only taking on 'soft targets' like PBS and Electronic Arts."Stop calling yourself hackers, you're giving real hackers a bad name," Quadrapodacone said. He scoffed at Lulzsec's affinity for Distributed Denial of Service attacks—floods of traffic that overwhelm servers: "Seriously... DDoS is not hacking," he twitted. "Here's a challenge... fbi.gov or cia.gov try changing text or something. "Hey jackhammer, get some attention span... we've hit two agency websites already," Lulzsec shot back. Still, less than an hour later, CIA.gov went down. But Quadrapodacone still isn't impressed: "Site up nothing changed... lulz." Lulz Security has since deleted their side of the conversation.

So, yeah, I guess they showed him. In the last two weeks, LulzSec has taken down the websites of the U.S. Senate (twice), FBI, and 4chan. It would appear that LulzSec is an Anon offshoot, possibly the 'Let's Fuck Shit Up' branch or something. The war they declared on 4chan seems to have distinguished them as a seperate entity. What will these guys do next? The Interwebs are waiting breathlessly...

Max Does Dark Knight

This is what will happen if you get your kid a Batman mask for Christmas- he might make the best spoof video that anyone has ever seen.

How To Ruin Someone's Saturday Evening Via Vent

Ever just wanna fuck with some people who are innocently roleplaying hobbits and elves on The Lord Of The Rings Massively Multiplayer Role Playing Game? Of course you do, you epic troll, you. This is how it's done:



NO IMMA FUCKIN' KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER ... OLD STYLE!!!11!!

 

Some Dude Clones Himself, Performs Queen

Seriously, somebody get this guy on Glee, posthaste.

An IRL Example Of How Stupid Facebook Is

Boromir Gets Stabbed In London Bar Fight, Continues Drinking Until Last Call

My new favorite Hollywood badass, actor Sean Bean (also known as Boromir to fanboys everywhere), got involved in a bit of a kerfluffle in London last weekend. from the Daily Mail:

Apparently Bean was smoking in front of his local pub in London with a "glamour model" (which is British for topless model) when someone walking by made a lewd comment about her. Bean chased him off, but when he went out for another cigarette the guy was waiting and stabbed him in the arm and punched him in the face. Bean chased him off again, but instead of going to the hospital, he patched himself up with a first aid kit and kept on drinking.

My BOY! You think he was gonna lose his buzz or his glamour model (who turned out to be Playmate April Summers) going to the hospital for nothing more than a stab wound? Fuck to the No! Eat it, Russel Crowe and Sean Penn. There's a new sheriff in town, and he has a lilting british accent.

The Royal Wedding, As It Actually Happened

And You Thought You Had Bad Parents

What would the Tubes be without the freakshows? Meet Momma K, aka Katherine Marion, Internet Supermom, vegan, and stripper. Way weird. Check it out...



Theres much, much moar after the jump...

Jingle Jangle Jewelry

You Too Can Be A Mexican Narco Assassin Kamikaze

All you have to do is take a bus somewhere in Mexico. The Houston Chronicle reports:

The elderly are killed. Young women are raped. And able-bodied men are given hammers, machetes and sticks and forced to fight to the death. In one of the most chilling revelations yet about the violence in Mexico, a drug cartel-connected trafficker claims fellow gangsters have kidnapped highway bus passengers and forced them into gladiatorlike fights to groom fresh assassins.

In an in-person interview arranged by intermediaries on the condition that neither his name nor the location of his Texas visit be published, the trafficker also admitted to helping push cocaine worth $5 million to $10 million a month into the United States.

Law enforcement sources confirm he is a cartel operative but not a fugitive from pending charges.

His words are not those of a federal agent or drawn from a news conference or court papers.

Instead, he offers a voice from inside Mexico's mayhem — a mafioso who mingles among crime bosses and foot soldiers in a protracted war between drug cartels as well as against the government.

If what he says is true, gangsters who make commonplace beheadings, hangings and quartering bodies have managed an even crueler twist to their barbarity.

Members of the Zetas cartel, he says, have pushed passengers into an ancient Rome-like blood sport with a modern Mexico twist that they call, "Who is going to be the next hit man?"

"They cut guys to pieces," he said.

The Reason The Rapture Failed

You know, somebody really worked hard on this picture.

Reminisce For Three And A Half Minutes

Behold, the 100 most significant youtubes ever splooged...



Notice how it begins and ends with Boxxy? Very clever, I thought.

SLAYER!!!

Environmentalists Are Not Fucking Around With Their Ads Anymore

Wow. The World Wildlife Fund would apparently like your attention and has no problem slaughtering an American sacred cow like 9/11 to get it. They do have a pretty good point, though...

*UPDATE*

After a little more research I discovered that this ad is from back in '08 and the tsunami being refered to was the Indonesian one in '07. Still a cool ad, though, but I guess it didn't work.

John Stossel Hosts Idiotic Fake Debate

Fox News Super Genius John Stossel decided to stage a fake debate with former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson, who I assume is running for President or something. What was fake about it? They hired an Obama impersonator to debate with him. Yes, really.



This has to be the dumbest thing Fox News has ever done. It's not the dumbest thing John Stossel has ever done, however. That would be this:

Memewatch 2011 - Unchanging Facial Expressions

This meme is animated GIFS that show celebrities, wankers, and celebrity wankers who use exactly the same facial expression in every picture of them. This is a mash-up video of all of them so far, but I believe we've just seen the tip of the iceberg on this one.



I actually find it rather mesmerising. Here's one with Anderson Cooper. No, I don't know why they always use the same song.

Watch As These Awesome Guys Try To Pick Up Girls Using Interweb Memes

Dirty Is Dirty

Here's the hit that took Nathan Horton out of the playoffs, and possibly out of hockey for good.



Fucking Vancouver. Seriously. Fuck those guys. Any Avs fan can tell you that Vancouver is the dirtiest of NHL teams. Chippy play is one thing, teaching your guys to make dirty plays and career-ending hits from blindside is another. So Fuck The Canucks, their faggotard fans, and all of British Colombia. GO BRUINS!!!

*UPDATE*

Oh yeah and one of the Canucks BIT Patrice Bergeron in a fight in this series. Bit him. That's not hockey you assholes.

This Is The Sort Of Problem We Should Be Worrying About

Steven Tyler continues to singlehandedly destroy his legacy one hair feather at a time

Remember hair feathers, those clip on things that girls put in their hair back when we were in junior high? Well, thanks to Classic Rock Pariah Steven Tyler they are back. And guess what? The coveted feathers are causing friction between flyfisherman and non-flyfishing women. Behold:

My new girlfriend



Your new boyfriend

 From Racked.com:

The whole country has gone feather-hair-extensions mad-so mad that women are descending like locusts upon fly-fishing shops nationwide looking for hackles, those feathery-things that can double as hair accessories. This report from the Seattle Times starts out so ominously, you can almost hear the duh-duh-dun punchline in the background.

Fly shop manager Jim Bernstein was warned that hair stylists would come banging on his door, but he didn't listen.

Sure enough, less than 24 hours later, a woman walked into the Eldredge Bros. Fly Shop in Maine and made a beeline toward a display of hackles-the long, skinny rooster feathers fishermen use to make lures.

"She brought a bunch up to the counter and asked if I could get them in pink," he said. "That's when I knew."

Will this coiffure craze result in a nationwide shortage of hackles? Will fly fishermen be forced to source their skinny feather things on the black market once the world's supply is decimated? Will the feather hair-extension craze decimate entire populations of specially-bred roosters? Hm, yes, probably, there's a very good chance.

Fly fishermen are not happy, bemoaning the trend in online message boards and sneering at so-called "feather ladies." Some also blame "American Idol" judge and rocker Steven Tyler, who began wearing the feathers in his long hair.

"It takes years and years and years to develop these chickens to grow these feathers. And now, instead of ending up on a fly, it's going into women's hair," said Matt Brower, a guide and assistant manager at Idaho Angler in Boise.

One farm in Colorado explains that the specially-bred roosters are euthanized after reaching one year of age and it's the bird's butt feathers that make the most-coveted hairpieces. This farm tells the Seattle Times that they kill more than 1,500 roosters each week and still can't keep up with salon demand.

It's gotten so bad that fly fishing shops in certain states refuse to sell hackles to women-is this a class-action discrimination suit in the making?

The craze has also left hairstylists scrambling to find rooster saddle feathers, as fly shops hold onto a select few for their regular customers. The businesses will now ask if the feathers are for hairdressing, said Shelley Ambroz, who owns MiraBella Salon and Spa in Boise.

"If you go in and you're a woman, they won't sell to you," said Ambroz, who started to eye her husband's fly-fishing gear after stores ran out.

"He told me to stay out of his feathers," she said.

I think the coming crisis between anglers and all female humans should be warranting more media attention. It's not like we're facing any problems bigger than this one at the moment, people.

*UPDATED*

Feather hair is not the same as feathered hair, which looks like this:

Laugh now but in the early 80s women wanted to fuck the shit out of this guy

*DOUBLE UPDATE*

Hey guys remember to mention this retarded hair feather craze to your wife/girlfriend/biker bitch so that she can get in on it now, while it's still trendy. Then maybe mention to her that you heard the tip on le Haineux and she won't give you so much shit for looking at it. And she'll look like Justin Bierber's girlfriend:

Oh, if only I was a seventeen-year-old Internet pop sensation again

Happy In Paraguay With Some Sort Of Horny Fish

Mexican Drug Lords Now Have Tanks

No shit. The Narcowarlords are stepping it up a notch with these homemade tanks. Here are a couple examples. There are supposedly over 100. I don't speak Mexican, but the guy in the second one sounds worried...

Amateur Photographers, Beware!

Before you put any more of your fucktarded pictures from your last Disney cruise on Facebook, consider what happened to this poor woman...

All poor old Celina wanted to do was send a sweet little picture of her standing before some canyon somewhere and now, thanks too poor lighting choices, will  forever be known as 'The Girl With the Horse Penis". The perils of amateur photgraphy should be considered when posting vacation photos, lest you be immortalulzed.

"Les Schtroumpfs Sont Mal"

French Sociologist Antoine Bueno is extremely worried about the effect les Schtroumpfs (known 'round these parts as 'The Smurfs') could be having on children...

... Buéno depicts the little blue creatures as racist, sexist, anti-Semitic "archetype[s] of totalitarian society imbued with Stalinism and Nazism."

Does he have a point? Let's break it down, baby;

• ANTI-SEMITISM : Gargamel - ugly, hunchbacked, dirty, hook nosed and gold obsessed. Total jew. And he owns a cat.
• SOCIALISM - Smurfs are socialists, as they own no property and share everything. Including Smurfette.
• SEXISM - See above.
• RACISM - If you're not blue, you can't be a Smurf.
• TOTALITARIANISM - Papa Smurf runs the whole show with an iron fist. His word is law.
• STALINISM - Papa Smurf wears red pants.
• NAZISM - The Smurfs systematically arrested and gassed the Snorks until there were fewer than 4000 left in Krakow.

Smurf Gestapo in action

Wow! Sounds like the professor might be right! I guess we better keep our kids away from that Smurfs movie! Ohhhh... yeah, they didn't want to see it anyway.

Little Girl Finds Dead Squirrel, Pisses Off Mom

Ahh, kids. Check out how awesome this morbid fucking little kid is...