Douchebag of the Week

This week was just waaaaaaay to easy. After being given a heads-up that Donald Trump was firmly in the camp of being a birther, we decided that this was douchebag material. Not only does Donald have a dead animal for a toupe, but he's clearly trying to self-implode his own nomination for President. Which is ok with us because who really freely admits to wanting Donnie-boy as our next President. If you're reading this and think,"I really think Mr. Trump would make a fine President". Than by all means leave your wonderful commentary at the bottom here so we can heckle you and remind you how much of a douchebag you are as well.

The worst part for Donald "Chump" is the fact that Bill O'Reilly and Karl Rove disagree with him. Ouch...fuck that...double ouch!! If Billy-boy and Karl "I've got a hard-on for bush" Rove believe your full-o-shit, well, you're basically Coo-Coo for Coco Puffs. You're done. No run at the presidency for you. But I'm sure Donald will do his New York best. Money quote from Donald where he claims, "A lot of the so-called birthers, these are great people, these are really great American people." Donnie adding more,"These are hard working, unbelievable, salt of the earth people". Well, we agree with one thing for sure. These people are truly fucking unbelievable. Congratulations Donnie-boy! You're the Douchebag of the Week!!

Memewatch 2011! (revisited)

Okay, I've never actually done this before, because we here at le Haineux believe in original content (unless we stoled it). I am going to revisit our most popular article (you know it's Rebecca Black, baby!) in honor of us turning one month old here in a couple of days. Besides, when I broke this story, teh Intermation Superwebways had barely had a chance to make fun of her. Now her YouTube video 'Friday' has had, ahem... 66 MILLION hits (incidentally, it has also recieved more 'dislikes' than any other video in history, courtesy of the Internet Hate Machine). They're calling her 'The Female Justin Bieber', which isn't really fair because isn't Justin Bieber the female Justin Bieber? Anyways, don't worry, she's not set for life now or anything. Somebody did the math on it and she stands to make somewhere around 60 to 70,000 dollars. Not chickenfeed, but with all the crap she's had to take, I suppose that's about fair. So, enjoy 'Friday' revisited, basically just some more awesomeness that I've stumbled across since last time that I think you need to see. Let's start with 'Bad Lip Reader', a site that lip reads videos and then karaokes in with what they think the words are:



After le Jump, a review of the lyrics of 'Friday'...

Beer Can Armor Kicks Ass

Enough said I think. Watch them rape and pillage their instruments, and then people in the park. Red Fang is the name, and kickin' ass is their game!

Memewatch 2011!

Welcome back to Memewatch 2011, where we here at le Haineux obsess over memes like you obsess over lemonparties (srsly,do not actually click on this link, I'm JFA). This weeks featured meme is 'Dating Site Murderer'(also known as 'The Good Intentions Murderer'). Need a little background? So this crazy looking dude put these two crazy looking pictures up on Reddit's personals last week under the username spawn02000:

The one on the right was his first effort on March 21st. The next day he posted the gem on the left (complete with creepy lighting!) under the heading Ok so I changed the picture on the dating site, Still no hits... :(. Um, no shit, dude. Since then, the Internets have gone totally epic all over him. It's getting pretty funny:

Does This Welsh House Resemble Hitler?

Of course it does! Who would know better than the Nazis?

Anonymous Will Fuck Your World




Okay, listen... I got interested in this group a couple of years ago when they took on Scientology. My interest grew in February, when they became the hornet's nest that Gubmint-referred Super Anti-Hacker Aaron Barr stuck his penis into, simply because he suggested he could reveal their identities through some awesome backtracing. If you will recall, they took down his website, stole and published his emails (including one from his wife suggesting they divorce), erased his company's backup data, deleted his Twitter, remotely wiped his iPad, and outed him as a Night Elf Druid named Sevrynsten on Warcraft. All of this in less than 12 hours, destroying homeboy's credibility, and most likely his Internet Security Career. Wow! (npi). Now consider the case of Hal Turner. Hal had a racist, white supremacist net radio show a couple of years ago. Now he is in federal prison, thanks to Anonymous ( and, of course, his idiot self). Read on after the jump...

American Exceptionalism Takes A Hit

What?! America has been fallin' behind in recent years, but who would ever think our exceptional way of life would take this much of a slide. Pretty sure one party out there isn't pleased to know about this factoid. America isn't anywhere near in first place when it comes to capital punishment. China is kicking some serious booty on this one, and as Americans we need to get back to our ass-kicking roots. let's face it. When you're not killing those who have killed...you've got a "ass-kickin'" image issue that needs to be resolved as soon as possible.

Look, we've got China, Iran, North Korea, AND Yemen (Yemen for fuck's sake!) who are all beating us at the capital punishment game. And we're supposed to be the capitalists...not pussies. What's next? Are we going to let Libya and Saudi Arabia take over our current place of fifth? Clearly, if we let the Jeffrey Dahmers have their way in America we'll lose everything we've fought for, and we'll end up with a woman President who will pacify everything that is great and magnificant in America. Will we stand idle and watch our greatness fall when it comes to the art of murdering the murderers? Call your congressional representative now and express to them your frustration over not enough killing in our prisons, and demand an increase in capital punishment especially if you're an "Old Testament" kind of Christian. Let's bring America back to the forefront! Wave that flag next time we fry another inmate! Be Proud...BE AMERICAN!!

For The Love Of God, Keep Your Child Off Of The Internet

In my ongoing series studying the effect of the Tubes on children, I will now relate the cautionary tale of Angry Homo Kid. AHK, or Scott Parsons, as this poor bastard is known in real life, got himself memed out by the heartless (and fiercely proud of it) sons-a-bitches of Anonymous. Scottie made three terrible mistakes that brought all this upon himself:

1. He decided to have an opinion about something (in this case Gay Marriage, obviously a topic he is qualified to expound upon, since he is 12) and assumed that it was valid and that people would care about it
2. He uploaded said ill-formed opinion onto YouTube
3. He had the temerity to respond to the trolling, which is exactly what they want/expect

The boring original video has been removed in an attempt to defame himself a little bit, but here is Scottie's response to the (semi-legitimate) haters:



Oh, boy. It actually gets worse. If you want to see the whole drama play out check out ChristianUtubur's channel on YouTube. His account was long ago deleted but will live forever thanks to all the mirrors.

How do you keep your child from becoming a lolcow? Closely monitor their internet usage! The webs are no place for the emotionally underdeveloped! And if you factor in the pedophiles and all the pr0n, it's just really no place for kids. Ignore my advice and pay the consequences. Look what they did to this dude...

Tokyo Electric Power VS. British Petroleum In A Gross Incompetence-off!!!

Let the debate begin! Which fucktarded energy company mishandled their self-inflicted 'disaster' with greater buffoonery, venery, finger pointing, and general total disregard for anyone or anything? (and if you think Tokyo Electric's nuclear accident wasn't self-inflicted, guess again -- they built it four and a half miles from one of the worlds most volatile faultlines. Brilliant. Was it because there no space left inside Mount Pinatubo?) Lets do a fun timeline...

Day 1 BP oil claims their platform blew up and they are leaking a small amount of oil. Their blowout preventer failed, and they just need to get it back online.

Day 1 Tokyo Electric claims that there is a small problem with their reactors. Their cooling pump malfunctioned, and they just need to get it back online.

Day 5 BP-News reports come out showing oil spewing all over the gulf killing sea animals, birds and slow-moving enviromentalists. They fail to get the blowout preventer online.

Day 5 TEP- New reports come out showing that their "small leak" is actually spewing radiation all over Japan, with reactors all over the plant leaking water, catching fire and blowing up. They fail to get the pumps online.

Day 7 BP- BP executive begin pumping sea water and heavy mud into the pipe in a failed attempt to stop the flow. BP execs admit they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Day 7 TEP-Tokyo Electric begins pumping sea water into their reactors in an effort to cool them. The sea water leaks out or misses and the plan fails. Tokyo Electric execs admit they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Day 13 BP- Tony whats-his-name proposes a "junk shot" shooting a bunch of shit into the pipe in a desperate to contain the oil. The plan is not approved, because it is stupid.

Day 13 TEP-Tokyo Electric proposes dumping a bunch of sand into the reactors in a desperate attempt to contain the radiation. The plan is not approved, because it is stupid.

Day 19 BP-Oil begins appearing all over the coasts and the leak is magnitudes worse than initially reported. The gulf coast is fucked for decades. Tens of billions of dollars are lost.

Day 19 TEP-Well, thats tomorrow, so who knows? Maybe some good news?

Stop The Lying On The Interwebs!

'Hear Hear'! Or is it 'Here Here'? Whatever. Lets all promise right now not to lie about ourselves on the Interwebs anymore. That means, no more using fucked up camera angles to make ourselves look like we aren't hideous, or fabricating information about our incomes/accomplishments/penissizes, or photoshopping our faces onto Justin Timberlake/Scarlett Johannsen's body for Match.com, or bamboozling eachother into buying worthless products or services that we wouldn't need even if they did work. You get my point. But then again, who am I kidding? You have to lie. If you didn't, everyone would know the truth:

You are a worthless waste of air, which is why — at this precise point in the space time continuum — you are reading this sentence. You think you should be doing something more productive, but for some reason, you aren't. You think your taste in music matters. You are a Cockblocker. You've seen every episode of Star Wars multiple times. You think playing video games makes you "alternative." You "spontaneously" quote Family Guy, "The Hangover" and Monty Python. You installed Linux on a partition (you think, anyway) because it seemed vaguely counter-cultural. You write articles like this one. Pretty much every human being you attended High School with remembers you only as, "that fat kid." You wear a fucking fedora in public and believe this makes the world a more whimsical place. You went to a second-tier state college and joined the Roleplaying club on the first day of orientation. You watch anime but insist you're not a fanboy. You quote memes at parties and then laugh alone, awkwardly. You own at least one cape which you wear "ironically" to comic conventions. You drive a 1990's Civic with crumbs on the floor and an "I roll 20's" bumper sticker. You've pretty much been a giant faggot ever since that one time in bible camp. You write long posts in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist but never get responses. You have never had sex and are Love Shy. You are a 15 - 35 year old liberal thinking atheist. You think people shouldn't judge you based on your meager accomplishments because you "could have done better if you tried". You collect Plastic Crap. You hover around the edges of your social group, grasping at straws of approval. You get your ideas and arguments from blogs. You don't get invited, you tag along, which to you is a less offensive way to say crash. You like to tell yourself you "only date nerds because they understand" you, but then masturbate to 10's who wouldn't even waste the breath to tell you to fuck off if you approached one of them in a bar. You sit at your desk daydreaming about which X-Men power you want, while your peers are building the world in their image. You fail it, where it = ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. Seriously, fuck you.

Actually, I was just looking for an excuse to post that awesome rant. Thanks to ED for letting me plage it. But, on a serious note, if any of this applies to you, please kill yourself.