My Immortal - World's Worst Fanfic?

A classic line from Dumblydore in My Immortal chapter 4

Ever checked out any fanfics, or fan fictions, which are these weird little stories and novellas that people put on the web? No? Well, usually they will take a book like Harry Potter and the X or Lord of the Rings, and then write other little short stories that take place in the same world and sometimes using some of the same characters and settings and shit. As I'm sure you might imagine, most of it is totally fucking hilarious. The best (worst) of all time is My Immortal, a Harry Potter/Vampire fanfic that stars a heroine by name of 'Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way'. Although it has been a while since the story was last continued, debate still rages as to whether this was serious, legitimate fanfic or a pretty funny troll. You decide...

Some notable quotes:

We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.

"She said……………………… 'Tara, I see drak times are near.' She said badly. She peered into da balls."

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive.

“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispered sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

The grammar is so hideous you have to at least suspect the troll explanation, especially when you take into account the ridiculous storyline and sudden unexplained sex scenes. Listen to the dramatic reading if you really wanna get a feel for it...




If you have the time and want to check it out, you can read all 44 chapters here.

He Bite Me In My Vagina

LET'S ALL TRY TO USE MORE CAPSLOCK!

TIRED OF LEAVING THE SAME OLD, BORING LOOKING TEXT IN THAT COMMENTS BOX? FUCK YEAH, YOU ARE. TRY SPICING IT UP WITH SOME CAPSLOCK NEXT TIME IF YOU REALLY WANT PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE RANTING. ALL CAPS IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL. USING CAPSLOCK  MAKES YOU INTO AN IMPORTANT AND DISCRIMINATING INTERNETS USER. EVERYTHING YOU SAY WILL SEEM TO BE MORE INSIGHTFUL AND CLEVER, MEMBERS OF BOTH GENDERS WILL WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, AND YOU WILL THUNDER LIKE BILLY MAYES AND CHUCK NORRIS' SECRET LOVE CHILD. BUT REMEMBER,WHEN USING THE ALL CAPS METHOD, TO PRESS IT AGAIN WHEN YOU ARE ALL THROUGH BEING COOL. SOME FACTS:

ALL CAPS > not all caps.

CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

The script of the movie 300 is written in ALL CAPS.

Typing in ALL CAPS immediately makes you invulnerable to pain

gluing your shift key for ETERNAL CAPS is fine too.

CAPSLOCK is an anagram of COCKSLAP

 International Caps Lock Day is June 28th. MARK IT ON YOUR CALENDER.

Memewatch 2011 'The Cthulu Hat'

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

America, rarely are we given an opportunity to see a meme start from the moment of it's inception. However, thanks to Princess Beatrice (some horse-mouthed English chick who wore what is now being called "The Cthulu Hat" to her cousin's wedding last night), we are now witnessing the true velocity of an internet joke. This meme is, at the time of this writing, just 14 hours old and is already getting good. Of course, just look at that hat. How could that thing not wind up a meme in like 2 seconds? Some samples:

Theoretically, if she had worn this one, there would have been less conflict. Or would there?



And of course, here is the obligatory 'She is probably the Antichrist' video. English christian wingnuts are every bit as ridiculous as ours are, they just sound smarter...

Seriously, though, watch all 7 minutes of this. It's worth it just for the incongruous background images.

Glenn Beck Teaches Blowjob Seminar

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Stop Making Fun Of Me Josh!

Srsly.

Obama's Fake Birth Certificate Signed By Futurepen

Ok, so Obama finally knuckles under and lets everyone see his goddamned (totally fake) birth certificate already. How do we know it's fake? Becasuse people like Tweeter Gary Mathis are all-fucking-over-it, that's how..

FUCKING ROLLERBALL! Damn! Obama's gonna be pissed, man, after having the CIA work on that thing for, like, 2 years already, and then to have it all get fucked up because some dunderhead used a post-1980s pen on it. Fortunately, America, we have super citizen Gary Mathis, who will tweet us in the event that Obama tries to pass off any more shoddily forged documents.

Atlas Sucks

Ha. So they aren't going to make Atlas Shrugged parts 2 & 3 because Part 1 made so little money, and it doesn't take an Objectivist to see that there is nothing exceptional about that.


Some unrelated-to-the-article-but-still-awesome Larping



Yes, it's true, I know, I can't believe it either. Hollywood's best ideology-based book turned movie since Battlefield Earth is a complete and total flop, earning only $3 million, which is the Hollywood equivalent of jack plus shit. Even with all those devotees on the fringe of the left and the right wing movements and an average movie price of twelve bucks a head, they barely paid for what it cost for the rights to the story (supposedly 2.2 million). Like I said, ha. So now there is a pretty good flame war over at the Daily Beast debating the relative merits of said book/movie. Here is the COTD, in response to a prior post:

There are several reasons to hate it, but just to address some of what you're saying:

First of all—and it really bears mentioning every time—the prose is terrible. It really doesn't function well as a novel, forget any underlying messages. The characters sound like automatons, the adjectives are too numerous by a factor of 20, the tone is insanely shrill, and there's not a whisper of dramatic ambiguity.

But that aside, the book doesn't actually advocate hard work, it advocates exceptionalism. Dagny and Hank, et al, DO work hard, but we're never allowed to forget that the work is both a result of and in service to their profound Greatness. And though they do have "enemies," you'll note that present around the edges of the narrative are all these nameless faceless workers who have to accomplish these grand and glorious projects that our heroes want to have done. (And you'll note also that part of the heroes' Essential Greatness is that they're never tempted to exploit the workers to increase their own wealth or status.) And not one of these workers seems to have any ambition for him or herself beyond doing a good day's work in service of the dreams of these Awesomely Exceptional People. Everyone who is good behaves nobly and everyone who is bad behaves shamefully, and there are no humans acting like humans.

So in order to love and believe in the book and get excited about the whole Objectivist line of crap, you pretty much have to believe that you are yourself one of these exceptional people—your ideas are the best, you're the best, and you were born to lead and stand out. It's like a massive dose of ego steroids for those who have always secretly suspected they were awesome. And the other side of this is why corporate welfare recipients are so comfortable letting the government bail them out whenever they do something bone-stupid like ruining the economy—they're not lazy bums taking a handout! They're Exceptional Awesomes who've just hit a little bump in the road on their way to fulfilling their Exceptional Destiny! And frankly, it's the government's RESPONSIBILITY to make their endeavors easier for them, because they're chosen!

Believing in these ideas—and believing that if we're just allowed to implement them in an completely unencumbered fashion, everything would be perfect—also makes it easier to swallow the sight of people struggling and suffering, because you can just tell yourself that it's their own fault, that you would never fall into that trap because you do work hard, and also you're super-special.

I think it's an evil book, I really do.

Thanks, commentor Tewkesbury! Fucking evil man, I love it.

Check Out These Top Secret Government Dossiers Courtesy Of Wikileaks

So, if you haven't had a chance to check out these leaked files, do it. They're Top Secret and Pretty Crazy...

In the end, Wikileaks may have done the Obama administration a huge favor, as it seems like most of this information that they have on these guys, if indeed accurate, is pretty damning and it justifies their decision to move with caution when it comes to possibly releasing them. On the other hand, some guys will have their 10 year anniversary there next year. I mean, are we just gonna keep 'em there forever? They are going to reveal a few more each day, and you can check out the whole thing here.

For The Love Of Christ Get Rid Of Your iPhone

Newly revealed patent applications prove beyond a doubt what I have suspected all along: that Steve Jobs is a fucking lunatic. For some reason he would like to know where you are at any given moment, as well as everywhere you have ever been before this moment. Check it:

Ronald Huang, an Apple senior engineering manager, filed patent application 12/553,554 last month, "Location histories for location aware devices," which explains how Apple can amass and use location data in the very ways Apple critics fear. The patent application, for example, envisions a searchable map plotting the owner's location history; tying location to financial transactions; transmitting location data over the internet to remote servers; and many other uses.

Apple has been enmeshed in controversy since computer researchers disclosed last month that the iPhone stores indefinitely data about its whereabouts gleaned from cell phone towers and wifi access points. The data collection started with the release of iOS 4 last June. The iPhone puts the location data in an easily read file called "consolidated.db," which is apparently never pruned for old entries.

Privacy advocates, politicians and the press have loudly raised concerns about how this extensive history of personal movements is going to be used. Senator Al Franken and Rep. Ed Markey, for example, both wrote letters to Apple demanding to know why the location dossiers are being created, and today the Illinois attorney general followed suit. The information is also collected even if the iPhone's "location services" preference is set to "off," the Wall Street Journal reported this morning.

Where the fuck was Glenn Beck on this one? Here we have an actual conspiracy of highly questionable  legality to spy on everyday people, and Beck has not committed word one to chalkboard.

Happy Easter!





Two Amazon Users Engage In Algorithmic Death Struggle

Think college textbook prices are too high? Me too. Examine:

It seemed tiresome to restate the story for you, so let's let Max Read do it:

A few weeks ago, UC Berkeley evolutionary biologist and blogger Michael Eisen was looking to pick up a copy of Lawrence's book ("classic work in developmental biology," he raves). The book's out of print, but Amazon gave Eisen an option: Either one of the 15 used copies, starting at $35.54, or one of two new copies, the cheapest of which is $1,730,045.91 (plus, as Eisen points out, four dollars for shipping).

The other copy, meanwhile, cost $2,198,177.95. What was happening? Were we watching the rise of a Peter Lawrence bubble? Many of us would likely have blamed "the evil eye" and lit an extra stick of incense. But Eisen, a science-minded fellow, tracked the slowly-increasing price of the two new copies of The Making of Fly, and noticed a pattern. He even made a chart! (Scientists! They are just the best.)

Once a day [bookseller number one] profnath set their price to be 0.9983 times [bookseller number two] bordeebook's price. The prices would remain close for several hours, until bordeebook "noticed" profnath's change and elevated their price to 1.270589 times profnath's higher price. The pattern continued perfectly for the next week.

As it happened, profnath and bordeebook were both using pricing algorithms to determine the optimum prices for their books. Profnath's algorithm was designed to have the lowest price possible—but only by a small amount, hence 0.9983—while bordeebook's was designed to set the highest price—presumably, Eisen writes, because they don't actually have a copy of the book and would need to buy one elsewhere to deliver it to a customer. Profnath and bordeebook had become locked in an algorithmic death-struggle, that eventually led the book to be priced at $23,698,655.93, shipping not included.

SHIPPING NOT INCLUDED??? Ha. So, take that, algorithm utilizers! Math fails again!

I Wish I Loved Anything As Much As This Kid Loves The Bieber

HAPPY 4/20!!!

This Is Not An Actual Sweater

Fuck to the Yeah

And You Thought Facebook SiZucked Before...

Oh, Facebook. Waster of perfectly good time that could otherwise be wasted on something less fucktarded, facillitator of rumors that we know aren't true but that we really wish were, bringer back togetherer of people for whom destiny had previously intended at most a 3-year relationship, purveyor of farmville, and burglar of people's personal, private information, can now add "determiners of countries' maturity and integrity when deciding how much free speech that we, Facebook, will allow them to have" to their litany of crimes, thus ending one of the best run on sentences since The Gettysburg Address, which had some very long ones also, I'm told. Behold:

Lobbyist Adam Conner has told the Wall Street Journal, "Maybe we will block content in some countries, but not others... We are occasionally held in uncomfortable positions because now we're allowing too much, maybe, free speech in countries that haven't experienced it before."

So this is what they had to say in order to get their foot in the door over there in China. I like how they expressed the whole 'uncomfortable' thing, like instead of sympathizing with jailed dissidents or victims of torture you should really be considering how Facebook feels about all of this.

Apparently Chinese leaders are quite nervous about the impact of social networking can have on unpopular regimes, given the recent successful uprisings in Egypt and Tunisia, and are arresting lawyers, dissidents, and artists in anticipation of Facebook's arrival to their country. Facebook, in turn, has refused to participate in a Senate hearing on 'Global Internet Freedom' and is now publicly discussing the perils of free speech. All just so that they can have access to the billion or so Chinese people not currently living in a gulag somewhere, which, to be fair, is a lot of farmville farms.

Nicolas Cage Arrested For Domestic Abuse

Actor Nicolas Cage was arrested for domestic battery in New Orleans on Friday night—just a month after being escorted out of a restaurant by police. Apparently an intoxicated Cage was arguing loudly with his wife as the couple got in a taxi when the cabbie called police and said he'd seen Cage grab his wife, Alice. Police showed up and told them to "just go home," and then Cage, as is his wont, asked the police "Why don't you just arrest me?" They promptly did. The actor's been released on $11,000 bail after being charged with "domestic abuse and disturbing the peace."

 This should surprise noone if you have ever seen Cage's magnum opus The Wicker Man, which is the greatest movie ever filmed when distilled into 2 minutes, thusly:

He beats up like at least 3 chicks in this movie. Just sayin'. "Killing me won't bring back your goddamn honey!!!" Won't it, Nicolas Cage, won't it?

President Donald

At least it's really his. Jealous much, Rand Paul?

Soooooo, as of this day April the Fifteenth, year of our Lord 2011, Donald Trump (you may know him as a former Douchebag Of The Week here at Le Haineux) is officially kicking the dogshit taco out of the rest of the Republican field. That's right, Donald Trump. From Public Policy Polling:

"Trump's broken the perpetual gridlock we've found at the top of the Republican field, getting 26% to 17% for Mike Huckabee, 15% for Romney, 11% for Newt Gingrich, 8% for Sarah Palin, 5% for Ron Paul, and 4% for Michele Bachmann and Tim Pawlenty."

Another interesting fact coming out of this particular poll: 23% of Republicans polled would not vote for a candidate that believed that Barack Obama is a legally born United States citizen. All that Tea Bagger shit is biting the GOP directly in the ass now, America. This is already turning into the lulziest election cylcle ever.

New Ayn Rand Book Out

And you thought she was dead! Shame on you!

Do you think Ayn Rand would've cried the first time she read The Giving Tree? Doubtful. I think she would have praised the boy for nobly getting his hands on everything he could while being slightly perplexed at his inability to somehow capitalize all those apples and branches.

P.S.  Atlas Shrugged Part 1 comes out this weekend! Don't miss it! It's guaranteed to be at least as good as Leonard Part 6.

The Girl Who Fell From The Sky

This is Juliane Koepcke (in 1972, anyways). A German teenager living in Peru with her biologist parents at the time, Juliane survived a plane crash while flying with her mother to see the rest of their family for Christmas. More amazingly, she wasn't rescued, she literally walked out of the Amazon jungle 11 days later. An exerpt:

On Christmas Eve 1971, only hours after her high school graduation ceremony, 17-year-old Juliane and her mother boarded a plane that was to cross the Peruvian rain forest. They were heading home to celebrate Christmas with her father. The plane flew into a volatile thunderstorm and was obliterated in seconds—killing all 92 passengers except for Juliane. After being thought dead for 11 days, she emerged from the jungle and was reunited with her father.

Seriously, America, this is the best thing I've read in weeks. Read the rest here. It's extraordinary. Not only does she survive a mid-air total discombobulation of an airplane, then she survives for nearly two weeks in the Amazon jungle, which I'm told can be somewhat dangerous. Oh, and she was badly wounded. Oh, and she was all of sixteen. The only reason she makes it is because she is the daughter of this world famous zoologist (dad) and a world famous ornithologist (mom) who just happened to teach her everything she needed to know to survive such a situation as this. She is the luckiest extremely unlucky person I have ever heard of.

Oh, and she was totally hot.

Pirates Will Now Be Fought With Lasers

And I'm not just talking at ComicCon here! I mean in real life, man! Checka check it out:

ComicCon:

Real Life:




Ok, so it's not exactly Star Wars yet, but it's a start. Apparently the Navy thinks that this will be useful against those wascally Somalian Piwates, an argument with which I would agree, given that they sit still. Why the Navy had to buy this thing instead of just using the 14-inch deck guns that they currently posess in abundance to obliterate the Somali pirates from the surface of the ocean is totally beyond me. But I guess it's neat and it gave me something to talk about, and it gave me an excuse to post the Comic Con picture.

Some British People Are Getting Married Or Something In A Couple Of Weeks

This is funny because in the UK, 'taking her up the aisle' means 'fucking her in the ass'. Or arse, whatever.

So, the big wedding is in like 19 days. Are you guys psyched? Where are you planning on watching it? It's not like you're gonna have a choice, man, since NBC Universal is going to be carrying 20 hours of coverage on all of it's affiliates (that's NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, Access Hollywood, E!, Bravo, iVillage, Telemundo, and the Weather Channel). So you might as well just relax and enjoy it, because the whole thing is going to be fist-raping you pretty soon whether you like it or not. Things that are actually interesting about it: it's widely acknowledged that they've already had sex (this might not seem so major but remember that in 1981 Princess Diana had to be medically verified as a virgin before she could wed Prince Charles), they've invited 6 of their exes (4 his, 2 hers) to the wedding, and now we know from the invitation list that there is a living, breathing human being out there named Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe Watson-Crikey.

Detroit Applebee's Gets Baby Drunk, Apologizes

Ahhh, Detroit. Famous for Motown, the Lions, and now Dominic the Drunk Baby. A family eating at a Detroit-area Applebee's Saturday noticed that their 15 month old Dominic was behaving strangely, slurring his words, starting fights with other patrons, and ogling all the chicks. Turns out  the 'apple juice' that they had  ordered for him was actually 'a margarita'. This is no shit, by the way. I bet the manager apologized and offered them 2 for 1 Breaded Sausage Wontons or whatever the fuck it is that they serve at an Applebee's. At any rate, the family took Dominic to the hospital and had him analyzed, only to find that his BAC was .10, which is actually pretty drunk for a baby. So far, the only fallout is Applebee's issued a statement calling the situation 'unacceptable'. Ya think? Way to take the forefront against infant drunkenness with your strongly worded press release, you purveyors of awful food, you. 





Yeah, he's got his swerve on alright.

Jon Stewart Will Miss Glenn Beck Even If You Won't

Jon Stewart dedicated the first 20 minutes of his show from last night to the departure of Glenn Beck. If you have 20 minutes, watch it here. If you don't here's a minute or so:

UPDATE AFTER THE JUMP>>>

Gubmint, Keeps Your Damn Hands Off My Internets!

Nice. The FCC's net neutrality regulations have been overturned by Congress today, to the overwhelming joy of anybody who thought that they were incapable of any sort of positive act. The FCC's net neutrality regs were the first attempt by the US Gov't to regulate the internet, and as such was a massive compromise that everybody on both sides hated. The only folks that were happy about it were the fine ones at AT&T, presumably. Anyways, it sucked, and now it's gone. Amazingly, it's demise had nothing to do with the constitutional protection of free speech or as a check against corporate control over government regulation. It was simply that the FCC had overstepped it's legal authority, to whit : "Congress has not authorized the Federal Communications Commission to regulate the Internet," said Rep. Greg Walden, smugly. So for now, at least, bittorrent to your hearts content, and fuck your neighbor if he's trying to stream 'The King's Speech' on Netflix.

75 Year Old Discovers, Destroys Internet On The Same Day

Meet Hayastan Shakarian, the 75 year old lady (pictured above, with trusty saw) who cut off the interwebs to 2 entire countries the other day. The countries of Georgia and Armenia both lost all information superhighwayness for almost 36 hours when Ms. Shakarian sawed through a fiber optic cable (apparently, a BIG one) in her neverending quest for scrap metal. Whether collecting scrap metal is her occupation or her hobby is never specified. So, America, is she some neo-luddite evil mastermind or basically just another old lady tring her best to use the internet? I guess that's for the courts to decide. She claims innocence based on the fact that she did not know that the internet even existed (probably true). She's been charged with 'damage to property', which in Armenia (where property is taken very seriously) can get you up to 3 years! Here's the sad part: all she did was keep some Armenian assholes from playing World of Warcraft and looking at porn for like a day and a half. Seriously. We're gonna need some FREE HAYASTAN SHAKARIAN t-shirts made up, stat.

Joyeaux Anniversaire Le Haineux!!!



Herro Mutant Kitty!


 Happy one month anniversary! What a month it's been. Whew! 60 total articles read by almost 900 people! Wow! Also, we've made one dollar and twenty six cents. Dang! And we got two words submitted to be in the urban dictionary (apocalyptard and sheenenfreude)! And all without any porn! Cocksucker! So, to celebrate, you get a list of our top 10 most viewed posts from our first month, which is the blog version of one of those tv series clipshows and allows me to celebrate by taking (another) night off. In order with a short explanation as to what made each one so popular:

1. Memewatch 2011! (The saga of Rebecca Black) The only reason you're already sick of this song/subject/little girl is that we blew the lid off this thing so early. The rest of America is still catching up.
2. Brain Boner! A lot of people are very interested in the human body.
3. Tiger Woods' Hideous New Girlfriend! Lets hope this turns out to be rock bottom for him.
4. Douchebag of the Week (Donald Trump Edition) Apparently, Donald Trump Hair makes Obama look sort of Pakistani
5. Anonymous Will Fuck Your World (but probably not your girlfriend)
6. Strut that A$$! Name speaks for itself. No Homo!
7. Radiation is good for you! Just ask Mutant Kitty!
8. Bagger 288! Because it's just that fucking awesome
9. Douchebag of the Week (Russian Bully Version) 'Cause we all love bullies...
10. Bully Got Served 'Cause we all hate bullies...

Here's to another month of webnificence and interfoolery! Vive Le Haineux!

1,235 Planets...So Far

This graphic comes to you via NASA, and it depicts the 1,235 planets that have been found so far. These have been discovered by what is called the planet-hunting telescope developed by NASA. Out of those 1,235 planets only 54 are considered habitable like Earth. Out of those 54 there has got to be at least one that might be better than Earth. However, humans might be so morally bankrupt that we'll just bring our "issues" with us wherever we go. Like a tweenage child who believes our issues are everybody's issues, or that everybody cares what I care about. They don't, and neither will these aliens we encounter some day. On that note, perhaps it would be best just to stay and fix our bullshit first then worry about going out into space looking for a new home to plunder. Nah...that's boring...let's get the fuck outta here.

How Stupid Is Your Smart Phone?

Here are some lulzy autocorrect fails. Thanks to damnyouautocorrect.com for the plaginess. Moar:

 

 

Glennpocalypse Now?

This drawing ties it all together, folks

Well, the party may be over, America. According to numerous sources, when Glenn Beck's contract with Fox News expires in December, he will not be asked to return. Why, you ask, your voice trembling and little tears forming in the corners of your eyes? Well, for a couple of reasons. For one, Beck came over to Fox 3 (long, long) years ago with a big radio audience and had established himself on CNN Headline News, and since he didn't owe his career to Fox, he never swore fealty to them and frequently strays (way, way) off message. For another (more important) reason, over 300 advertisers have now fled his time slot, only to be replaced by sheisty, fly-by-night 'We'll buy your gold' companies, who are attracted to the show by the advertising discounts and apocalyptard theme. Honestly, though, he will be missed, at least by Comedy Central. I will keep you posted on further developments in this tragic tale, America.

Sometimes It Doesn't Pay To Be A SuperFunny Jokester

April Fools! A United Airlines baggage handler at Washington dulles named Eduardo Tlatempa, known around the concourse for his hilarious pranks, died of his injuries Friday after falling 10 to 20 feet off of a scissor lift. Apparently, fellow employees, noting that Friday was April Fool's Day, left him laying there for 45 minutes or so before checking on him. Well, when someone finally did, he was dead, and the joke was on them. The moral of this sad story: well, I'm not sure that there is one unless that it's that nothing really good ever came out of April Fool's Day as far as I know.

You Guys Had Better Take This Kickball Thing More Seriously

This guy's nickname is 'The Punisher'

I thought I would end my hiatus (wasn't feeling too hot, sorry) with the lulziest news item I've seen in quite some time. After this Atlanta-area adult kickball team (?) got their asses handed to them 22 to nothing last week, their team captain sent the awesomest email in the (probably very brief) history of the sport:

————— Forwarded message —————


From: [redacted]

Date: Tue, Mar 29, 2011 at 11:31 PM

Subject: Our game tonight

To: [redacted]

Let me ask a real simple question... What was that? Seriously, did you guys just think you could show up and win? That was pathetic. Again, pathetic. I know we kid around a lot and try to have fun and a good time, but what is the point if you guys aren't even going to try? I can count several instances, and not to name names but I think I will this time just to get my point across...

[redacted], are you just trying to show off your speed by letting the ball drop in front of you when you play the outfield so you can run and get it? joke. Do you not care? If you don't care that is fine, but some of us do.

[redacted], how about running out your kicks after they're in play instead of just jogging down to first base as though it doesn't matter. joke. you got very lucky the ref called you safe. you were out.

[redacted], your obp% is the worst on the team. I thought you played before.

[redacted], great pitching and defense... yeah right, I can count about 3 or 4 plays in my head where you just allow them, basically, to reach base and score, and you probably cost us 5 runs single handedly. great job dude.

Some of you guys are striking out, others can't catch a pop fly, others don't even know which base to throw the ball to. Are you guys adults. Thought this was an adult kickball league, as in you act like adults and play the way you are supposed to.

Do you want to play?

I thought you joined this league to be competitive and win, but maybe I thought wrong.

Tell ya what, if any of you guys are going to bring that lame shit out to field next week, why don't you do us all a favor and just stay home and watch t.v. instead. Seriously, I am embarrassed to be a part of this. We LOST 22 - 0 tonight. That is a freaking joke.

Again, I know we joke around and try to have fun, and I'm not trying to be Mr. Serious here, but that was not fun. I am not kidding, don't come next week if you are going to act like a bunch of children out there.

Thank you to the people who did try tonight:

mainly [redacted], myself, [redacted], and [redacted]. and [redacted].

The rest of you better think about what I'm talking about unless you don't care in which case we don't want you coming out anyway.

So like this guy is apperently destined to become the Bobby Knight of kickball, a sport I last participated in in the fourth grade. Over competetive much? Maybe he's worried about them losing their corporate sponsorship. Oh, um, yeah... nevermind.

Unbelievable Remote Control Jet

This is truly incredible technology for a remote controlled jet. If you've got about 5 extra minutes this is totally worth seeing. The speed at which this RC jet takes off is amazing and you feel the power this jet has just from the fly by. Just imagine being that kid that a owned a RC jet that went 400 mph.

Worst Jobs in History EVER

You thought your job sucked. Think again. Be thankful you work at Taco Bell. Here's a bit of a matrix for all you graph junkies out there. Believe us when we say your job doesn't suck that bad, and remember next time you complain about your service job...just remember you get to take breaks, have your favorite beverage, and go home after 8 hours. Try these jobs on for size. Just click on the photo and you can enlarge to take a closer look at what hell is.

Todays Word is: Brain Boner

I bet you kiddos haven't learned this one yet. We hadn't either. Which is why we're sharing it with you today. A "brain boner" is a state where one (ladies...you're included in this one) becomes aroused or enlightened by an intellectual thought. This can cause a stiffening or hardening of one's brain. Much like the usual boner, but you're thinking and you don't get anybody pregnant in the process. Moreover, this can also be closely associated with the term "bromance" where two guys are usually joined at the hip. No...this isn't homosexual in anyway, but rather more like Cheech & Chong or Laurel & Hardy if you will. But, certainly not as close as Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street.

So, next time you feel that brain boner cumming on...show it...be proud of it. Let the whole world know your mind is stiff with ideas.