Douchebag of the Week

This week was just waaaaaaay to easy. After being given a heads-up that Donald Trump was firmly in the camp of being a birther, we decided that this was douchebag material. Not only does Donald have a dead animal for a toupe, but he's clearly trying to self-implode his own nomination for President. Which is ok with us because who really freely admits to wanting Donnie-boy as our next President. If you're reading this and think,"I really think Mr. Trump would make a fine President". Than by all means leave your wonderful commentary at the bottom here so we can heckle you and remind you how much of a douchebag you are as well.

The worst part for Donald "Chump" is the fact that Bill O'Reilly and Karl Rove disagree with him. Ouch...fuck that...double ouch!! If Billy-boy and Karl "I've got a hard-on for bush" Rove believe your full-o-shit, well, you're basically Coo-Coo for Coco Puffs. You're done. No run at the presidency for you. But I'm sure Donald will do his New York best. Money quote from Donald where he claims, "A lot of the so-called birthers, these are great people, these are really great American people." Donnie adding more,"These are hard working, unbelievable, salt of the earth people". Well, we agree with one thing for sure. These people are truly fucking unbelievable. Congratulations Donnie-boy! You're the Douchebag of the Week!!

Memewatch 2011! (revisited)

Okay, I've never actually done this before, because we here at le Haineux believe in original content (unless we stoled it). I am going to revisit our most popular article (you know it's Rebecca Black, baby!) in honor of us turning one month old here in a couple of days. Besides, when I broke this story, teh Intermation Superwebways had barely had a chance to make fun of her. Now her YouTube video 'Friday' has had, ahem... 66 MILLION hits (incidentally, it has also recieved more 'dislikes' than any other video in history, courtesy of the Internet Hate Machine). They're calling her 'The Female Justin Bieber', which isn't really fair because isn't Justin Bieber the female Justin Bieber? Anyways, don't worry, she's not set for life now or anything. Somebody did the math on it and she stands to make somewhere around 60 to 70,000 dollars. Not chickenfeed, but with all the crap she's had to take, I suppose that's about fair. So, enjoy 'Friday' revisited, basically just some more awesomeness that I've stumbled across since last time that I think you need to see. Let's start with 'Bad Lip Reader', a site that lip reads videos and then karaokes in with what they think the words are:



After le Jump, a review of the lyrics of 'Friday'...

Beer Can Armor Kicks Ass

Enough said I think. Watch them rape and pillage their instruments, and then people in the park. Red Fang is the name, and kickin' ass is their game!

Memewatch 2011!

Welcome back to Memewatch 2011, where we here at le Haineux obsess over memes like you obsess over lemonparties (srsly,do not actually click on this link, I'm JFA). This weeks featured meme is 'Dating Site Murderer'(also known as 'The Good Intentions Murderer'). Need a little background? So this crazy looking dude put these two crazy looking pictures up on Reddit's personals last week under the username spawn02000:

The one on the right was his first effort on March 21st. The next day he posted the gem on the left (complete with creepy lighting!) under the heading Ok so I changed the picture on the dating site, Still no hits... :(. Um, no shit, dude. Since then, the Internets have gone totally epic all over him. It's getting pretty funny:

Does This Welsh House Resemble Hitler?

Of course it does! Who would know better than the Nazis?

Anonymous Will Fuck Your World




Okay, listen... I got interested in this group a couple of years ago when they took on Scientology. My interest grew in February, when they became the hornet's nest that Gubmint-referred Super Anti-Hacker Aaron Barr stuck his penis into, simply because he suggested he could reveal their identities through some awesome backtracing. If you will recall, they took down his website, stole and published his emails (including one from his wife suggesting they divorce), erased his company's backup data, deleted his Twitter, remotely wiped his iPad, and outed him as a Night Elf Druid named Sevrynsten on Warcraft. All of this in less than 12 hours, destroying homeboy's credibility, and most likely his Internet Security Career. Wow! (npi). Now consider the case of Hal Turner. Hal had a racist, white supremacist net radio show a couple of years ago. Now he is in federal prison, thanks to Anonymous ( and, of course, his idiot self). Read on after the jump...

American Exceptionalism Takes A Hit

What?! America has been fallin' behind in recent years, but who would ever think our exceptional way of life would take this much of a slide. Pretty sure one party out there isn't pleased to know about this factoid. America isn't anywhere near in first place when it comes to capital punishment. China is kicking some serious booty on this one, and as Americans we need to get back to our ass-kicking roots. let's face it. When you're not killing those who have killed...you've got a "ass-kickin'" image issue that needs to be resolved as soon as possible.

Look, we've got China, Iran, North Korea, AND Yemen (Yemen for fuck's sake!) who are all beating us at the capital punishment game. And we're supposed to be the capitalists...not pussies. What's next? Are we going to let Libya and Saudi Arabia take over our current place of fifth? Clearly, if we let the Jeffrey Dahmers have their way in America we'll lose everything we've fought for, and we'll end up with a woman President who will pacify everything that is great and magnificant in America. Will we stand idle and watch our greatness fall when it comes to the art of murdering the murderers? Call your congressional representative now and express to them your frustration over not enough killing in our prisons, and demand an increase in capital punishment especially if you're an "Old Testament" kind of Christian. Let's bring America back to the forefront! Wave that flag next time we fry another inmate! Be Proud...BE AMERICAN!!

For The Love Of God, Keep Your Child Off Of The Internet

In my ongoing series studying the effect of the Tubes on children, I will now relate the cautionary tale of Angry Homo Kid. AHK, or Scott Parsons, as this poor bastard is known in real life, got himself memed out by the heartless (and fiercely proud of it) sons-a-bitches of Anonymous. Scottie made three terrible mistakes that brought all this upon himself:

1. He decided to have an opinion about something (in this case Gay Marriage, obviously a topic he is qualified to expound upon, since he is 12) and assumed that it was valid and that people would care about it
2. He uploaded said ill-formed opinion onto YouTube
3. He had the temerity to respond to the trolling, which is exactly what they want/expect

The boring original video has been removed in an attempt to defame himself a little bit, but here is Scottie's response to the (semi-legitimate) haters:



Oh, boy. It actually gets worse. If you want to see the whole drama play out check out ChristianUtubur's channel on YouTube. His account was long ago deleted but will live forever thanks to all the mirrors.

How do you keep your child from becoming a lolcow? Closely monitor their internet usage! The webs are no place for the emotionally underdeveloped! And if you factor in the pedophiles and all the pr0n, it's just really no place for kids. Ignore my advice and pay the consequences. Look what they did to this dude...

Tokyo Electric Power VS. British Petroleum In A Gross Incompetence-off!!!

Let the debate begin! Which fucktarded energy company mishandled their self-inflicted 'disaster' with greater buffoonery, venery, finger pointing, and general total disregard for anyone or anything? (and if you think Tokyo Electric's nuclear accident wasn't self-inflicted, guess again -- they built it four and a half miles from one of the worlds most volatile faultlines. Brilliant. Was it because there no space left inside Mount Pinatubo?) Lets do a fun timeline...

Day 1 BP oil claims their platform blew up and they are leaking a small amount of oil. Their blowout preventer failed, and they just need to get it back online.

Day 1 Tokyo Electric claims that there is a small problem with their reactors. Their cooling pump malfunctioned, and they just need to get it back online.

Day 5 BP-News reports come out showing oil spewing all over the gulf killing sea animals, birds and slow-moving enviromentalists. They fail to get the blowout preventer online.

Day 5 TEP- New reports come out showing that their "small leak" is actually spewing radiation all over Japan, with reactors all over the plant leaking water, catching fire and blowing up. They fail to get the pumps online.

Day 7 BP- BP executive begin pumping sea water and heavy mud into the pipe in a failed attempt to stop the flow. BP execs admit they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Day 7 TEP-Tokyo Electric begins pumping sea water into their reactors in an effort to cool them. The sea water leaks out or misses and the plan fails. Tokyo Electric execs admit they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Day 13 BP- Tony whats-his-name proposes a "junk shot" shooting a bunch of shit into the pipe in a desperate to contain the oil. The plan is not approved, because it is stupid.

Day 13 TEP-Tokyo Electric proposes dumping a bunch of sand into the reactors in a desperate attempt to contain the radiation. The plan is not approved, because it is stupid.

Day 19 BP-Oil begins appearing all over the coasts and the leak is magnitudes worse than initially reported. The gulf coast is fucked for decades. Tens of billions of dollars are lost.

Day 19 TEP-Well, thats tomorrow, so who knows? Maybe some good news?

Stop The Lying On The Interwebs!

'Hear Hear'! Or is it 'Here Here'? Whatever. Lets all promise right now not to lie about ourselves on the Interwebs anymore. That means, no more using fucked up camera angles to make ourselves look like we aren't hideous, or fabricating information about our incomes/accomplishments/penissizes, or photoshopping our faces onto Justin Timberlake/Scarlett Johannsen's body for Match.com, or bamboozling eachother into buying worthless products or services that we wouldn't need even if they did work. You get my point. But then again, who am I kidding? You have to lie. If you didn't, everyone would know the truth:

You are a worthless waste of air, which is why — at this precise point in the space time continuum — you are reading this sentence. You think you should be doing something more productive, but for some reason, you aren't. You think your taste in music matters. You are a Cockblocker. You've seen every episode of Star Wars multiple times. You think playing video games makes you "alternative." You "spontaneously" quote Family Guy, "The Hangover" and Monty Python. You installed Linux on a partition (you think, anyway) because it seemed vaguely counter-cultural. You write articles like this one. Pretty much every human being you attended High School with remembers you only as, "that fat kid." You wear a fucking fedora in public and believe this makes the world a more whimsical place. You went to a second-tier state college and joined the Roleplaying club on the first day of orientation. You watch anime but insist you're not a fanboy. You quote memes at parties and then laugh alone, awkwardly. You own at least one cape which you wear "ironically" to comic conventions. You drive a 1990's Civic with crumbs on the floor and an "I roll 20's" bumper sticker. You've pretty much been a giant faggot ever since that one time in bible camp. You write long posts in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist but never get responses. You have never had sex and are Love Shy. You are a 15 - 35 year old liberal thinking atheist. You think people shouldn't judge you based on your meager accomplishments because you "could have done better if you tried". You collect Plastic Crap. You hover around the edges of your social group, grasping at straws of approval. You get your ideas and arguments from blogs. You don't get invited, you tag along, which to you is a less offensive way to say crash. You like to tell yourself you "only date nerds because they understand" you, but then masturbate to 10's who wouldn't even waste the breath to tell you to fuck off if you approached one of them in a bar. You sit at your desk daydreaming about which X-Men power you want, while your peers are building the world in their image. You fail it, where it = ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. Seriously, fuck you.

Actually, I was just looking for an excuse to post that awesome rant. Thanks to ED for letting me plage it. But, on a serious note, if any of this applies to you, please kill yourself.

Gandhi Was In Love With A German Named Hermann







"If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib..."



Also, he was sometimes a total dick to his niece, with whom he liked to sleep naked quite often. These are some of the relevatory historical facts coming out of this new book Great Soul by Joseph Lelyveld. After reading

the WSJ review, all I can say is, I'm glad when stuff like this comes out, even if it's awkward for some people. Men like Gandhi, or King, or the Founding Fathers achieve this deific quality, especially after death, that just doesn't reflect

the real, actual people that they were. I like Gandhi the ill-tempered, cackling bisexual who lusted after german bodybuilders. It makes him seem more human, somehow.I just wish they could've found a way to work it into the movie. I guess with a running time of almost 4 hours they had to skip over something, so they cut out all the gay sex and child molestation.



Little Kids Trying To Be Sexy -- Cute Or Not Cute?

CUTE:



NOT CUTE:

On Horror

So my essay this week is about horror movies. I just watched this really shitty horror movie called Session 9. The way I ended up watching it was they had a guy that looked like a young Mark Ruffalo, and so when I was flipping channels I was like "Is that Mark Ruffalo?", and then I figured out that it wasn't, that the guy just looked like Mark Ruffalo, but by then I'd watched like 10 minutes and I had to see how it turned out. It did have David Caruso, however.

So, this movie totally sucked (it's about some dudes that are trying to remove asbestos from a haunted insane asylum?), which was great because I just sat there for an hour and a half thinking about horror in a kind of meta way. I asked myself questions like "Why, exactly, is this funny and dumb instead of scary as opposed to some other movie? Why does horror exist as a genre at all? What purpose does it serve?" and so on. Intersested? Read on...

Robo-pocalypse Now!

OK, the headline may be a bit of hyperbole, but I just learned about a Japanese company named Cyberdyne...that's right...Cyberdyne, don't pretend like you don't remember this. The non-fictional Cyberdyne has unveiled "HAL". Are these people intentionally trying to scare us? HAL is the "Hybrid Assist Limb" cybernetic augmentation device. It will make you 10 times stronger! Although it is designed mostly for helping the old or infirm, it seems like this would be a really useful device for super-criminals the world over. Go Japan! Video after the jump...

What's a Reverse Euphemism?

Here's a simple cartoon from xkcd.com that explains this complex idea, and why we all should try to learn something new everyday.

Douchebag of the Week

In this video, we have a group of tweenage Russian children watching a skinny kid (the kind of kid you shouldn't pick on) prepare himself for an afternoon aquatic plunge into some sort of public watering hole. Why this skinny kid is attempting this said plunge, and why someone decided to film it isn't clear. But, we thank you anyways for the entertainment. The douchebag comes into our little video when the skinny kid begins his jaunt towards the public watering hole. You see the douchebag in him now...don't you. We here at Le Haineux did too.



Now, some of you might be asking yourselves,"Why isn't this kid just an asshole like the video title says he is?" Well, that's a great question. Let's go over a few things. Shall we?

In Russia, where this video was taken, they have different standards then we do in the good ol' USA. First, let's rehash on our definition of douchebag we established last week. On the lower end of the spectrum we have "jerks" and "assholes" where one hasn't graduated yet into any actions like "pushing" or "shoving" or attempting to hit on someone else's girlfriend. That being said, the pusher in this video clearly overstepped the "jerk" and "asshole" boundary, and has moved into the full realm of douchebaggery...and he doesn't know it. Secondly, the pusher stands with a questioning look and dumbfoundedness that can only lead to him clearly being a douchebag. Assholes always know what they have done. Moreover, one's looks can also enter the picture when it comes to douchebags. Here's an example of what we mean:



If you look like this guy...you're probably a douchebag.

Apparently, Child Protective Services Does Not Exist In England

The Sun, some newspaper in England, does this to their photos so that they can sue us someday

*UPDATED*

Meet 8 year old Britney from the UK. She is the one on the right. Notice her sultry, pouty, come hither lips? Her smooth, wrinkle-less 8 year old skin? That's botox baby. Oh yeah. Check this shit out...

Once every three months, Britney climbs on a beautician's table and watches as mum Kerry prepares needles of Botox and fillers to be injected into her face.

Beautician Kerry, 34, from Birmingham, buys the substances online and injects them into her daughter's forehead, lips and around her eyes.

She says: "What I am doing for Britney now will help her become a star."

Oh, but that's not all...

Every Move In the Book...and Then Some.

This dude-of-the-dance is impressive to no end. He's literally pulling out every move known to the dance world. He doesn't stop. He doesn't hesitate. He just keeps going with it. Impressive indeed. The leg kick with the realease of the shoe, and then a leg sweep over the head of the child sitting in front of him is truly the highlight. The kid literally acts like he's just not there. How can one not be inthralled with the moves. We are. Everybody keep on dancing, and let this Lord of the Dance be your guide!

Follow the dance moves to here

What are they selling on TV?

My favorite is number 67!

A Very Cool Map

A History of the World in 100 Seconds from Gareth Lloyd on Vimeo.

This is pretty neat. The creator explains it:

Many wikipedia articles have coordinates. Many have references to historic events. Me (@godawful) and Tom Martin (@heychinaski) cross referenced the two to create a dynamic visualization of Wikipedia's view of world history. Watch as empires fall, wars break out and continents are discovered. 

 And watch as students plagiarize wiki to get C minuses on their history papers.

President Aynus

Nice Fucking Hairpiece

Well well well. Little ol' Rand Paul, with all of 2 and a half months of national political experience now under his belt, is considering a run for President now, because 'he can't find any candidates he could consider supporting'. This is probably because they are all a bunch of total losers. At any rate, Rand has said the only thing he's ruling out at this point is running against his dad, who will in all probability run, for fuck's sake, so we might not need to be too worried. What a pair of stones this guy has, though! With all the bullshit about how Obama was a political lightweight with no national background, what does the Tea Party do? Trot out an opthamologist with zero experience as a congressman and limited experience as a campaigner. That being said, he is probably the best they've got.

The Winningest Cooking Show...duh

Nobody has captured the true jackassery of Charlie Sheen like Funny Or Die has. How did they get Charlie to partake in this blatant mockery of himself? Let's put it this way. Charlie either has a great sense of humor and can laugh at himself a little or he's so fucked in the head still, he doesn't know his dick from a door knob. Which should be pretty easy to decipher unless you have a problem with sobriety. Enjoy the mockery!

Follow the winning video link here

Why I love XKCD.com

Navy to Build Robots - Some likely to be gay

The U.S. Navy is planning a project to develop the technologies necessary to deploy a swarm of self replicating robots. Here are the details. There is no way this could possible go wrong. Were Eric Drexler dead he would be spinning in his own pile of grey goo. That was a nanotechnology joke. Don't worry. I don't expect you to get it.

I am all for scientific advancement, and I totally hang with the "Robots are Cool" crowd (even as we nerdishly but halfheartedly mock the "Sweet Party Last Night/Who did you hook up with" crowd). But I get a little nervous when it comes to the whole self-replication thing. Natural self-replication comes with a safety valve. Things age and then they die. The faster something reproduces, the quicker it dies. Some people should try and take a lesson from that. But if we want an efficient swarm of military construction bots, we are not likely to build in a "Get old and die" mode. I guess the good news is that this is after all a Navy project, so even though it will likely cost billions and consume thousands of man-hours, it will ultimately fail to deliver any actual results.

Tiger Woods' Girlfriends Are Getting Uglier

It's probably been awhile since you got to experience any TW-related schadenfreude, so here's a mugshot of his new girlfriend :

Holy fuck! She so ugly, she could make the onions cry. Now, this is what he gave up for that :

And it only cost him $750 million dollars to make said exchange. Nice. Here's the funny part, though. When I was looking for pictures of TW's ex-wife, I couldn't even remember her name. I had to google 'Tiger Woods ex wife'. How cutely American of me! 6 months goes by and all we can remember is some vague details about what happened. Anyways, it's Elin Nordegren.

Bully, You Just Got SERVED

Ever get bullied in school? Then you oughta love this video. In it, 15 year old Casey Hines is getting punched/yelled at/otherwise harassed by some little punk ass bully, whom he then proceeds to FUCKING ANNIHILATE. Well, I don't want to over sell it. It's awesome, especially with the hardcore hip hop overdub.




The aftermath has been pretty sweet too. More after the jump...

Some Sunday Failure

When if comes to failure there's nothing better than a girl in a bikini, mixed with some drinking, and an epic failure of a head-slap while attempting to cliff dive. Although, it wasn't a "dive" per se, but rather a half-ass attempt to impress the crowd. Boy, did she ever. Some were concerned, and some thought it was the coolest thing they had seen since Jimmy did a nose-dive attempting a keg-stand after streaking onto the scene. This girl would make her daddy real proud having to explain this one. Hopefully, she'll talk to mom first. She might be a little more understanding. The best part is watching this stupidity in slow motion. Why is it always best watching failure in slow motion? We'll let you readers decide. Any comments can be made at the bottom.

Memewatch 2011!

Hipster Rebecca Black

You heard it here first! Rebecca Black, first mentioned in my post about 'child musicians that suck and should we make fun of them?', a couple of days ago, has gone viral, America. Hers is the video on the bottom, a song called 'Friday', now known across the Interwebs as 'Black Friday', 'the Black Plague', or 'the Worst Song Ever Recorded' (I didn't think it was that bad, but then again I liked Milli Vanilli). Her youtube channel has now had over 23 million hits, (that's up 16 million since yesterday ), with probably 85 percent of that being haters with absolutely no compunction about making a thirteen year old girl cry. But, she got to go on GMA, so it's prolly a net win for her. So, after the jump, here's a roundup of the best of the all-new Rebecca Black meme...

Radiation...It Does The Body Good.

Watch Ann Coulter play doctor with Bill O'Reilly. Apparently, radiation is good for you and little Miss Man-lady titles her article, "A Glowing Report On Radiation"(yuk yuk). Bill isn't buying it. Of all people, Bill O'Reilly explains why radiation from something like an x-ray isn't the same dose as say...radiation from an exploding power plant where it rains very high levels of radiation. This needs explaining? Apparently so. Here's something useful.



What's also very useful for the readers of Le Haineux is that Ann Coulter is usually full of shit. Not to mention a closeted man dressed as a woman with really nice hair, but a really boney ass. Here at Le Haineux we have the proof that Ann is a mannish freak and is full of shit:

BAGGER 288!

Bagger 288 is a german (what is with those people anyways?) mobile strip mining machine. So, to protest it's existence, some outraged citizens fired back with this piece of total awesomeness. Take that, Big Business! If this video doesn't inspire you to a life of environmental activism, then your heart is made of uranium control rods. America, I give you : the BAGGER 288!

Imagine Looking Down At Your Willy And Seeing This Face.

Gene Simmon's mugshot on your condom? Who thinks this shit up? Gene Simmons probably did, and he FAILED to understand that most men might have a problem "getting it up" if they have to look at this face before doing the horizontal boogie. Seriously, this can't be a good thing even if your a Kiss fan. It would be a good thing for your lady friend if you had a tongue like that, but if one has to see Gene Simmons looking at you like this...well...let's just say all of us at Le Haineux went limp.

Here's another problem we had with this idea. Why pictures on your condom? I mean, if your doing the deed right, what exactly would you see anyways? What's next? Condoms that play your favorite rock song while doing the dirty deed? We can see it now, the sound of "Detroit Rock City" in cadence with your humping motion. Now, that's a much better idea. However, all of us here at Le Haineux is just waiting for a condom that's sanctioned by the Catholic Church. Which would obviously have Pope John Paul's face on it holding up his two fingers in the peace sign. Happy humping hated readers of Le Haineux!

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

If this dog can do it, so can you

On behalf of the Irish, I would like to wish everyone a debauched and drunken Saint Patty's. Thanks to El Bastardo for posting while I was busy doing inventory at the job I have to work at because not enough of you read this blog for me to do it full time. I will resume tomorrow, depending on the extent of my hangover, because today is the only holiday all year I actually give a shit about. So go get loaded! Beat somebody up! Be Irish! It's Saint Patrick's Day!

Douchebag...A Definition And Then Some.

Here at Le Haineux, we believe in harassment. It's a thorough effort we have tried to put in everyday, and we promise to continue that tradition straight through to the end. Which might come next week. Unless you tell your mom and all her friends about us. Then we might last a little longer.

Another tradition we would like to do here at Le Haineux is giving out a weekly award. You like gifts don't you? I know I do. So, we've designed a weekly contest where we'll pick from a wide range of people (about 8 billion) from around the world who we consider "douchebags". What is a douchebag you say? Well, let us define this for you hated readers of Le Haineux. According to the Urban Dictionary (and the only dictionary at that), a douchebag is "Someone who has surpassed the level of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached the level of fucker or motherfucker. Not to be confused with douche." Here's an example of how the word "douchebag" would be used in a conversation:

Rob: He just kept hitting on my girlfriend at the party, and he just wouldn't leave her alone!!

Sam: What a douchebag.

So, without any hesitancy, Le Haineux gives you your weekly Douchebag of the Week Award!! Every week, we'll find that special someone that raises the bar on douchebaggery (but not too far, or else they become fuckers or motherfuckers), and award them for their efforts. However, to start things off this week we already have a winner for our Douchebag of the Week Award. That's right, it's you, our hated readers of Le Haineux! Why you? Because you're reading this filth every fucking day. Congratulations! You're all douchebags of the week!

Hideous Is What Hideous Does.

Readers of Le Haineux will notice the proggression of Courtney Love's look...which keeps getting progressively worse. A little bit of plastic surgery on the nose, botox those lips, a heeping dose of animal fat smeared onto one's face, and you've got a 46 year old who looks like a really awkward 45 year old. But, Courtney Love looking like a stretched out lizard-woman isn't why this article is being written. Why is this article being written you might ask? Well, apparently, Ms. Love (formerly Ms. Harrison ) has expressed her desire to snort her dead husband Kurt Cobain's ashes through a metal straw. How cute.

But, this isn't Courtney's first stunt, or even her second. There's a string of them like lines of cocaine laid out for a big party. Does Courtney understand that she's a blight on society? No, she doesn't. But, we do and that's what really counts here on Le Haineux. Some have called her a "punk rocker", some have called her a leach, and most just call her shite. The latter has clearly prevailed over the years. One thing for sure is if the mantra "Rock and Roll will never die" is to come to fruition...then Courtney Love must bite the dust when she snorts Cobain's ashes. Here's to hoping!

Mr. Dumasse. Paging Mr. Dumasse. Your Bag Of Coke Is Available At The Police Station.

Well fellow readers of "Le Haineux"...we've reached a daily low in this country. Lend me your eyes for this reading pleasure because there's a coke dealer out there shorting people on cocaine, and Mr. Knucklehead here decided he needed to tell the police about it. That's right...Antonio "My bag's short" Recinos, told the East Hartford Police that he had been short-changed by his coke dealer, and he wanted something to be done about being shorted on an illegal substance.


So, they arrested him, and the following portrait was taken for the public's viewing pleasure. If your wondering why Antonio would do such a thing...don't wonder...just accept. This way, you can watch the idiot in his natural habitat. Hasta luego Senior Dumasse!

Is It OK To Make Fun Of Children?

Well, dear readers, I'm not really sure, but it sort of feels wrong, so I'm gonna answer with the big NO and the little (yes) right behind it. Essentially what's happening here is that an LA (of course) based recording company called ARK music is exploiting tweeny little girls with autotuned pop songs in an effort to replicate the Bieber Phenomena. For those of you unfamiliar, androgynous music sensation Justin Bieber basically youtubed his way to superstardom in this manner, although, to his credit, his mindless drivel masquerading as 'lyrics' was never actually autotuned. So good job there, Biebs. At any rate, now the Interwebs are now being inundated with music videos of songs that are hysterically bad. Which brings me back to my original point. If these 'artists' were over 18, criticizing them would not only be legitimate, it would almost be the duty of all of us to mock them into extinction. But since it's kids, maybe we should cut them a little slack? I mean, if you saw a little kid with a lemonade stand, and you went up to him and asked him how much gross profit his business is yielding and he responds "I made 15 cents today!" and you responded by laughing your ass off, that's not okay, right? That's where the big NO comes in. He's cute for trying. The small (yes) comes in when you realize that these shallow, adorable little girls are part of a corporate effort to separate your family from it's money via your tweenage daughter, who probably already has a 'My Jeans' poster on her wall. So, shame on you ARK music for being such obvious cheap-ass hustlers and crapsmiths and for forcing me into a moral quandry. And for making me hear this.

Youtube Psychopath Thanks God For Killing Those Japanese Atheists

Readers of le Haineux will know that Warmonger is rarely rendered speechless. Well folks, that day has come. Christian hate speech is nothing new, but something like this is beyond the pale, man. Hopefully, God's response to this video is to kill her slowly with radiation poisoning.

*UPDATE* Offensive video pulled from Youtube (as you already know if you tried to watch it). Fear not though, dear reader, as I have found you another copy. The young lady, Pamela Foreman, has had her user account deleted. A source claims that she was 'merely trying to get a rise out of people'. I call bullshit, because I saw it, and all her other fucked up videos (there were 41 of them, some even worse than that one). She was for real, friends and neighbors. Now she is in hiding due to multiple death threats, where I hope she stays indefinitely, the little Troll. Was she just a funny jokester? Judge for yourself, America. Here are her comments about the disaster in Haiti...

Why Isn't Wall Street Rotting In Jail Right Now?

Matt Taibbi, blogger extraordinaire, editor of Rolling Stone and left wing hero wrote this gem about Wall Street for next month's RS. Here's a teaser from their website, but by all means read the whole thing because it is so fucking true...

"Over drinks at a bar on a dreary, snowy night in Washington this past month, a former Senate investigator laughed as he polished off his beer.



"Everything's fucked up, and nobody goes to jail," he said. "That's your whole story right there. Hell, you don't even have to write the rest of it. Just write that."


I put down my notebook. "Just that?"


"That's right," he said, signaling to the waitress for the check. "Everything's fucked up, and nobody goes to jail. You can end the piece right there."


Nobody goes to jail. This is the mantra of the financial-crisis era, one that saw virtually every major bank and financial company on Wall Street embroiled in obscene criminal scandals that impoverished millions and collectively destroyed hundreds of billions, in fact, trillions of dollars of the world's wealth — and nobody went to jail. Nobody, that is, except Bernie Madoff, a flamboyant and pathological celebrity con artist, whose victims happened to be other rich and famous people."

Read the rest here.

This was my favorite part:

"The mental stumbling block, for most Americans, is that financial crimes don't feel real; you don't see the culprits waving guns in liquor stores or dragging coeds into bushes. But these frauds are worse than common robberies. They're crimes of intellectual choice, made by people who are already rich and who have every conceivable social advantage, acting on a simple, cynical calculation: Let's steal whatever we can, then dare the victims to find the juice to reclaim their money through a captive bureaucracy."

Or this one:

"You put Lloyd Blankfein in pound-me-in-the-ass prison for one six-month term, and all this bullshit would stop, all over Wall Street," says a former congressional aide. "That's all it would take. Just once."

Word.

Zach Galifinakis Is The Funniest Man In The World

Hey, I totally get it if you didn't watch SNL last night because normally it sucks. But, last night's was hosted by reigning funniest dude ever Zach Galifinakis. Not only did he smoke a doober on Bill Maher last October, in case you missed it (Maher said it was 'fake' a couple weeks later. Pussy), but his series 'Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifinakis' is by far the best thing they're doing over at Funny or Die. Anyhoo, he is the ruler in my book. In fact, I love him so much that I was willing to put up with embedding fucked up ass Hulu. You're welcome. Here are the good bits...

*Okay, the fine people at NBC have removed the opening monologue from youtube, because, you know, it doesn't show their ads. Fuck them. Link to it here.

He interviews for a new assisstant

Tokyo Devastated!

But, of course, you already knew that. Still like nuclear power, Limbaugh? Seriously, though, the entire world's thoughts and angry prayers (What the fuck, God!?!) are with the Japanese people tonight. Death toll looks to be in the thousands, with damage calculated to be in the Godzillions.

*UPDATE* Glenn Beck has been cancelled today so that Fox News can spend all their time covering events in Japan. And I thought we won World War II.

*UPDATE* Ridiculous Internet Rumor Alert!!! 'Supermoon' caused the earthquake!!! Don't buy all the hype from the Lamestream Media that the Sendai earthquake was caused by 'plate tectonics' or whatever. It was SUPERMOON! Ok, well, no, not really. Apparently the moon is at its perigree and is the closest it's been since 1993 (I'm sure you remember all the shit that went down that year, right?) and this dickwad astrologer Richard Nowle, who is now also an amateur seismologist or something, thinks that Supermoon (a term he coined, coincidentally) "may have been a factor". Right. You should definitely trust scientific theories from anyone who's website looks like this.

Newt's Hard-on For America

Possible presidential pariah Newt Gingrich is covered by the online version of the New York magazine explaining why he cheated on his past two wives. Boy, he sure is creative...isn't he? Not so much, if you already can't stand this conservative cable news wind-bag. Newt expands on his affairs in religious terms by stating, "I found that I felt compelled to seek God's forgiveness. Not God's understanding, but his forgiveness." Now, if we could just get Newt and his lemming-like followers to all jump off the "cliff of hypocrisy" at the same time. Oh wait. Never mind. They already have when it comes to anybody who disagrees or anybody who thinks like that Fascist pinko-commie fag who lives down the street. Any forgiveness for Homosexuals from Newt and his ilk? Doubt it...unless they're closeted, from Idaho, and can do the toe-tap dance with a airport policeman in a bathroom stall.

The absolute slam-dunk (or should I say,"Slam-bunk"?) here from Newt is this money quote, "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate." No shit Newt. Let's put emphasis on "hard" as well. Shall we? However, many men have been partially driven to jerk-off everyday, but they still keep their dicks in their pants when they get to work. Obviously, this statement from Newt should be seperated into two very distinct and independent clauses. But, when you have a Chrisitian southern coalition behind you why should you make any fucking sense? You don't. Just keep on bullshitting, and lead your pack of lemmings over the cliff Newt. This is why you're hated you little Monchichi look-a-like, and why it's probably a fantastic idea if you run for President. Jump, you pudgy little fucker!

Ron, You Should Have Named Him Aynus

The Daily Show - Exclusive - Rand Paul Extended Interview Pt. 3
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

A fascinating interview of Rand Paul by Jon Stewart. Really, it's less of an interview and more of a (very civil) debate. Paul takes the libertarian objectivist corporate shill viewpoint and Stewart gets to be Karl Marx. Paul is a windy little bastard, btw. You should watch all three parts, as the third part is pretty much where Stewart poons on him, so thats the one I posted. Stewart's arguments about trying to fix government rather than abolish it, regulate corprations rather than let them roam wild and free, and so on, are all at the end. The first two parts are Paul claiming that we should have let the banks fail so that 'capitalism' could have taken care of the problem. After the jump, all the reasons I could think of that Rand Paul sucks...

Mo Explains Muslim Sexual Frustration, And Sweet Jesus Is A Virgin Too.

This makes for a very interesting debate between two extreme dogmas. Are there virgins in heaven? Will Jesus and Mother Mary join the matyrs in heaven? Who gives a rats-ass? There are always a few dildos who do. What some really want to ask is, "What drives a sexually frustrated Christian boy?". Church on Sunday when it's time to dress up as an altar boy...that's what. All this aside, it seems Jesus sees the light here in this eternal debate over whose dogmatic bullshit reigns supreme. He's about to become a love-toy for someone whose been blown from his car in a million bloody pieces, and right into the grace of life eternal. The only problem for Jesus is he might have to watch mom partake. So many questions to ponder.

Lesson learned here? Fuck these two jack-offs, and if your searching for God or life eternal in heaven...just eliminate the middle-men. You'll probably get there quicker than most.

In The Future, All Robots Will Have Bad Facial Hair

Meet Geminoid DK , the latest androidal effort from our friends across the Pacific (by which I mean the Japanese, not the North Koreans). Creepy? Kind of. In the still photos on the maker's website he looks totally real. But in the video he totally doesn't. Still pretty amazing, I guess. But it's nice to know that there will be a bright future ahead in the ever-widening field of robot barbering.

Strut That A$$

Struttin That A$$ - watch more funny videos

Who doesn't love crazy, toothless drunk guys who strut their ass during rush hour?

New Hampshire State Senate Introduces Bill To Keep College Kids From Voting

Oh, boy. "New Hampshire's new Republican state House speaker is pretty clear about what he thinks of college kids and how they vote. They're "foolish," Speaker William O'Brien said in a recent speech to a tea party group."Voting as a liberal. That's what kids do," he added, his comments taped by a state Democratic Party staffer and posted on YouTube. Students lack "life experience," and "they just vote their feelings."

New Hampshire House Republicans are pushing for new laws that would prohibit many college students from voting in the state - and effectively keep some from voting at all."

Battle Los Angeles Looks Pretty Fucking Awesome

Ok, so who is going to go see this with me? Some queermo on IMDB said it looked like Independence Day 2 to which I replied that this looks more like the movie Independence Day should have been, if the trailer can give you any indication. The way better trailer is here, btw.

Memewatch 2011!!!

Tired of only finding out about funny memes months/years/decades after they were actually topical? Well, Le Haineux is here to make sure that his readers are the best meme-informed and most culturally well-adjusted and relevant readers on the Interwebs. Todays featured meme: an countermemotic ode to the waaaaaay played out Charlie Sheen meme. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...........   the Emilio Estevez meme.

The Book Surgeon

Wanna see something cool? I thought you did. So this guy Brian Detmer cuts up old medical journals one page at a time to produce some mindboggling results. Autistic? Probably. Brilliant? Definitely. Check out the rest here.

Atlas Shrugged Totally Sucks And Here's Why : A Rant In 4 Parts

Yikes!

"I’ve always found Rand objectionable as a philosopher. Specifically, her uncredited middle-school re-writes of Nietzsche’s hits, and personal revelations based on really obvious tautologies. Seriously, “A” is “A”? It’s a symbol, you dingbat. It’s what we say it is. Is somebody spreading rumors that an abstract symbol isn’t itself? A legit problem is determining its relationship with our experience of reality (e.g. Wittgenstein’s language games if you’re ready for the real shit). And existence exists? Are you fucking kidding me? We’ve gone from Hume and Kierkegaard to this? Listening to her impatience at other ideologies reminds me of a five year-old considering the world’s problems. Can’t get the Chilean miners out? “Why not just build a robot?” she’d say, handing over a sketch; herself pictured overseeing the operation from a unicorn. When kids do it, it’s cute (theoretically), but seeing a brusque Russian author do it — not so much.
Luckily for her, it’s not hard to peddle a lowbrow philosophy to a brain-dead cult. Read Hubbard if you’re an Objectivist; and Rand if you’re a Scientologist. It’ll be like recognizing yourself in the mirror for the first time since being checked out of the Fort Harrison Hotel by your new and improved family. Not that it’ll help. Faith-heads always think their particular mythologies and superstitions are somehow more relevant and less stupid than the rest."

Thus begins Caigoy's brilliant and funny blitzkrieg against Ayn Rand. Read it. It's hilarious. He really hates the hell out of her. Did Le Haineux read it, you ask, if he is going to agree with such criticism? No, because Le Haineux likes his life to be as fun as possible, and reading Ayn Rand sounds about as fun as drinking your own balls after they have been chewed off by a tiger and put in a blender.

Nick Swardson Is Pretty Funny

This is here for two reasons: to make you laugh and to help me practice HTML editing which is fucking confusing. Baby steps.

I.F.H. MONDAY'S from Nick Swardson

How To Stop Scott Walker

So far, the best thing that Le Haineux has witnessed in the Great Wisconsin Clusterfuck of 2011 is the prank call that Ian Murphy of the Buffalo Beast made to Governor Douche Rocket Scott Walker. In it, Murphy pretends to be Tea Bagger Money Man David Koch, somehow gets past everybody who's job it is to make sure that something exactly like this doesn't happen, and then proceeds to get Walker to admit to considering planting agents provocateur amongst the protesters, that he think's he's Ronald Reagan, and that Mika Brzezenski is hot piece of MSNBC ass. Aside from being really funny and basically proving beyond a doubt that Scott Walker is exactly the flaming fuckhole that Le Haineux thought he was, what was so great about this prank call was that it reminded me of what that James O'Keefe creep pulled at Acorn, only unedited. But it brings me to my larger point, which is: If you want to beat Republicans, take a page out of their book. I'm serious. Whenever anything goes wrong for our side, we march, we protest, we bang on plastic buckets, we stink up the capitol building with patchouli, and we hope for the best. It's cute and sad at the same time, like looking at a baby seal with an inoperable brain tumor. So, Le Haineux has (so that you don't have to, dearest reader) slogged through the mire that is the conservative internet looking for tactics that they use when they are disenfranchised, because what they do almost always works, and what we do is generally just mildly embarassing.

**UPDATE**
In respone to Mr. Murphy's awesomeness, the Wisconsin state legislature has now introduced a bill to make it illegal to prank call somebody. Touche.